Joke of the Day!

I got this from my mum the other day....


An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. She got in the back-seat by mistake."
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      FAMILY


Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
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      I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"


      Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
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      SUPERSEX

       A little old lady was running up ! And down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex.." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."

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        ROMANCE


      An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached
across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

        Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my! Neck." Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked.




"To get my teeth!"
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       DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER


       80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces,"Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!" An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
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        OLD FRIENDS



       Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to playcards.

      One day, they were playing cards when one Looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me . I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.
       

Finally she said, "How soon do you need to Know?"
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       SENIOR DRIVING


       As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!" _____________________________________
       DRIVING


      Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
       The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again.     

Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"

       Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?"

This is one of my favourites:

One day in the jungle, Lizard climbs up a tree and find Monkey sitting on a branch, smoking some weed. Lizard asks him for some but Monkey keeps saying

"No, you're a lightweight, it'll go straight to your head."

But eventually after some pestering, Monkey gives Lizard some of the weed. after smoking for a bit, Lizard starts to get a bit thirsty, being a lightweight and all, so he goes down to the lake to get a drink.

While he's down at the lake, he sees Alligator who asks him where he's been, as he seems a bit high. Lizard tells Alligator he's been up in the tree smoking with Monkey, so Alligator goes up to ask Monkey if he can have any.

So as Monkey's sitting there, high as a kite, waiting for Lizard to get back, he sees Alligator climb up onto the branch.

"Duuuuuuuuuuuuuddddddddddddddeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" yells Monkey, "How much freakin' water did you drink?"

Thanks for a good laugh (makes working easier)

PMSL!

And another one my MIL sent me today.......


An old couple prepares to go to bed.

They no sooner hit the pillows when the old man farts and says, "Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"

The old man replied, "It's fart Rugby."

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, “Try and conversion, 7-all".

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, "Penalty, 10 points to 7."

Not to be outdone, the wife rips out another one and says, "Penalty, 10-all."

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Drop goal, I lead 13 to 10."

Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard, but to no avail. Realising a defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and then completely sh!ts the bed.

The wife asks, "What in the hell was that?"

The old man says, "Half time, change sides."