My Partner Calls me Selfish..

I'm lost for words...
Is there anyone you can get to talk to him for you, his mum, sister, brother? Someone he respects who has raised/is raising children who can make him see your point of view?

What I would do is to try and work on a compromise. He is entitled to his feelings (but he can be a bit more mannered abuot them). Just as you are to yours. But perhaps the problem might be communication itself. Perhaps he is feeling stressed that he will be the only breadwinner and if something happens to his job then there is nothing to fall back on. And perhaps he doesnt know how to actually put that into words so he causes a fight.

What you can do however is to be totally calm. Put a budget down on paper. Taking into account stuff like: Daycare fees, getting takeaways because with two working that will go up as both will be tired, getting a cleaner in now and then to help out with two working, clothes and shoes for work, transport to work. Take in everything in consideration that you will need to do and pay if you have to go to work.

So he can see how much you guys are saving and if it is worthwhile for you to go to work. Subtract that from a salary you think you might be earning in all of this and see how much is left in the end of the day.

Second budget you draw up might be something that is parttime. Perhaps around his hours for a few hours a week, or something you can do from home. Do same stuff you will need to pay for and where you can save.

Third budget will be your current one. What are you guys paying out of one salary and perhaps another 4th one on where you think you guys can save a bit more.

Then dont demand or anything but ask him if he is willing to sit down with you sometime when he is free as you gave this a bit of thought. Sit down and discuss where you see yourself in 5 years, where you see the two of you together in five years as well as the three of you and ask him the same. Then work on a plan to get there. Try and keep some of the emotions a bit out of it (guys dont think like we do). Show him the budgets and let him express what he feels about each one and go from there.

I however really didnt like the idea of emotional blackmail that he used that he said he wont support you if you do decide to stay at home. That was a bit uncalled for but at the same time I think this is a decision that you guys need to make together. It can be his and your decision seperate.

And think the whole family needs to be a first priority for both of you and not just your gorgeous kiddy.

(I hope I made some sense?

do you work now?   if you do then it seems a bit strange to me to stop work now to look after her

if he isnt the father of the child then i suppose he doesnt have to support you... and if he is the father of the child then how bloody rude of him.

then again he might be worried that if you dont work he wont be able to support you both. men do some funny things when worried.

then again if he is a control freak then i personally would say seeya to him... but if he was, you being at home would be a better way of controlling you. so maybe he is worried about finances.

I think he just feels bullied .. like he has no say in the matter as you have decided that you are going to stay home and he is to support you.

Men just cant verbalise their feelings the same way a women does so he is "vocalising" his feelings to you in other ways.

I suggest maybe you write it down and let him read it so he has time to digest what you want.

Oh and I agree with the others, he maybe worried ... its a HUGE responsibility to be the sole breadwinner for a family (I know as that is my role) .. it can be pretty daunting sometimes.

I had the same problem this year, I didnt want to go back to work after my 14 weeks maternity leave. I wanted to use what savings we had so that I can stay at home, DH said it would be a "Waste of money" and said the money would be better off on our debts, car etc.

I won the battle in the end. I did several budgets, and it worked out theres not much difference between working part time and working full time. I also did a SAHM budget where we had a shortfall of about $70, I said if I found a wee job we could manage.
In the end work refused me working part time so DH decided (probably more in anger towards my work!) that i was going to stay home and he'd pick up extra overtime so that we can cope.I took my 12months maternity leave and told work to shove it. I think him seeing that we would be ok money wise he was more open to the idea of me staying home. He still admits more money would be great but enjoys coming home to a clean tidy home and having his sleep ins.

I think as the others have said he is probably worried about money. Its hard to see it from their point of view... My DH suggested to me last week that HE stay at home and I go back to work, and my immediate worry then was money (he earns more than I did) And then I thought he just wanted time off rather than genuinely wanting to stay at home. So I guess thats exactly how he felt.

He still jokes about me being a bum though

HI All...Am Back Now...Wow so many thoughts/opinions - where do i start from lol

caraMel - In Responce to you: The only people or person i can talk to is my family.Because of alot of arguments between him & i, hes told me that his family, (folks and his sister) he doesnt have a brother, have some "ill feelings" towards me. This i have mentioneed to my family and so they have suggested its best i keep my distance from them in the meantime in which i have been doing.However my mum has said to me recently  about inviting him over for dinner & thigns can be talked thru to which i mentioned to him but he wouldnt even hear of it...So basicly the ball is in his court on that subject from my mum and i. Altho she has suggested councilling & thinks it would be a good idea - so who knows.

Pearls -  Yes it is rude of him, & a real shock & a difficult thing to deal with...

Smoody - i think where you said "And perhaps he doesnt know how to actually put that into words so he causes a fight"  I agree with that..i dont think he knows how to talk..when things are problem wise, so he causes a fight....But he expects me to talk to him if i have a problem...pffft....one sided there huh   I dont like the idea of emotional blackmail either,  about not supporting me. But if the worse comes to worse, & we split, he'll have no choice than to pay child support. And Yes you did make some sense as you put it lol...thank you for that.

Bizzy - No i am not working. When Naomi was born, as usual the mother normaly has 3mnths maternity leave. and during that period i decided to take a year off..Which was ending not so long ago. But some while ago i decided it would be best to take a few years off with Naomi as she is my first. Iv handed in my resignation to work, their happy with my decision, they'v got nothing against it. Yes he is her father...

KylahsMum - Thanx for your understanding  My partner - hes just....just not normal...Most guys/partners/spouses would support there other half in cases like this..iv got 2 friends that are taking "X amount of years off" while there spouse works. One of them is returning to the work force next year sometime as shes had a few years off.  I know i shouldnt? but if i feel i want to leave our little girl with him, even if its just for say 1/2 an hour or 1-2hs however long i still feel bad/guilty about having some "me time"/time to myself, cos i know what hes gona say. but yea you have made sense in there yes...I guess counciling for both of us wouldnt go a miss...

FINALLY...Getting Down The Page lol lol...

lilfatty - just guessing here - but maybe your right? Maybe he does feel bullied? I also think hes got issues and some jealousy wrapped up inside him to which hes not admitting to and doesnt want to. Dont get me wrong here im not being sexist here or anything but Men dont go thru all the pain,agony and drama that us woman go thru during child birth...Its a big whole turn around and big change in life. But yes it can be pretty daunting.

ChundaMars - Nice to see your on the same page with your wife  Good that you want your wife home to raise the kids and she agrees with it...If only my partner could see logic on that topic lol...He wasent happy about me taking a year off from october last year to october this year. But he went thru with it anyhows. Nor is he happy about me taking a few years off my lil one to raise and bring her up.Hes basicly like a lil kid that hasent grown up..ie. whenever something doesnt go his own way he causes a big arguement about it..ie. an adult tantrum...Everyone else, ie friends,family etc iv spoken to, have agreed with me that its perfectly normal for a mother to take a few years off with their kid or kids.

Kaiz231 - Good for you for winning the battle in the end  I think my partner is in the same boat as y ours about the more money being great, but at the end of the day there are some things you have to put first. ie. your little ones/kids..Even if it means cutting down on certain things that u think u dont really need so to can spend a tad more for you kids/kid...Is why i am trying to get thru to my partner that me staying home, raising and bringing up our daughter is saving us money in the long run instead of putting her in2 day care...That way if both of us were working, not only would we be earning money, we would be loosing money so it would be a "no win" situation. That last part where you mention " i think as the others have said he is probably worried about money. Its hard to see it from their point of view... My DH suggested to me last week that HE stay at home and I go back to work, and my immediate worry then was money (he earns more than I did) And then I thought he just wanted time off rather than genuinely wanting to stay at home. So I guess thats exactly how he felt. " if i was to go back to work i would be earning less than what he is earning right now, hense we'd still be struggling...Thank you for your comment tho  but for now i guess its best left as how it is..unless we both manage to agree on a compremise.

Kabe - Hi there...hows your little one doing?  Hope she had a good Birthday. Naomi did.Thanx for your comment too...Maybe perahps over time him and i mite agree on a compremise - who knows.

Thank you very much to the above people who have expressed there thoughts/concerns/opinions  etc..Much appreciated

Hi

Maybe your partner's a bit worried about money as others said. I know my DH was/is and so I work part time and DS is in daycare 6 hours a week to help me get into work (otherwise I work every night of the week).

Also, I'm pretty sure the 'norm' these days is a year off max (due to finances usually) so maybe your partner is just a bit confused/shocked that you have chosen to be off longer? I know most of the ladies in my coffee group are either back at work part time or full time, or are planning to next year when the kids turn 1.

Another option if you don't want to work out of the home is to look after a couple of kids in your home. That way you get extra income (not that its much though) and you get to spend your time with your daughter too.

I hope you guys get to talk about it anyway. Was there much discussion on work arrangements or did you just tell your partner that you were resigning? Maybe that's where he felt a bit out of the loop?

 

Edited by Ferny

Once again I think there is a communication problem between the two of you. His business? Isnt a family only one business? If you guys cant work it out between yourself perhaps councelling is the way to go.

I do however think it is a bit unfair as you wanted to stay a year and now the year is up and then just making the decision to want to stay another few more years (not trying to sound judgemental or harsh here but trying to see it from his point). First year with a baby is quite difficult for families. Your partner needs to find his space in all of this and it is usually quite difficult for guys. We (mothers) tend to take on so much, sometimes (like I see you do too) call them my little girl ect instead of ours.

Guys take that stuff to heart as well and perhaps what your partner is feeling is that you are so involved with your little girl (not our little girl as if you are pushing him out) and all he is good for is to actually earn money. So in that regard he might say well this is my business and not yours. I really do think the two of you need to sit down and discuss plans for the future. From what he wants and see you guys to what you want and see yourself.

I am a SAHM and sometimes have this guilt of not earning money ect but Grant is really quick to show me budgets ect and showing me what it would cost us as a family for me to go out and work and we dont even get any other help at all. But at the same time this is a plan we worked on before we even got pregnant but plans do change you dont have to stick to it. But unfortanately when you are in a partnership both partners need to have a say in this. And in the end this will be the best for your girl as you sometimes have to put yourself and your partner first to have a good foundation (which is ultimately needed by your daughter).

You cant compare your situation with others. Sit down with him and discuss this with him and if need be get a councellor to help you guys. Someone that is not personally involved with you guys (so no family ect, that sometimes complicate stuff even worse).

Hope it helps and your girl is so cute.

I think you need to sit down with your DH and work out a compromise. If hes worried about money, and you want to stay at home then surely theres some way you can both agree. How about being an in home carer or selling avon? Theres so many ways around it...
I think my DH would probably acted the same if (presuming here) you handed in your resignation and have decided not to go back to work after one year off. I guess you've always had the security of having a job placement and a career (Again, only presuming!)
Good luck!