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11111 
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Joined: 01 January 1900
Location: New Plymouth
Points: 2393
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 Posted: 29 July 2008 at 10:10am |
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Ok so I see where you are coming from with the whole, but she has no one else. I have this habbit of picking up friend's like this all the time. I have had some recently had some very wise people tell me it is ok to be friend's and support these people however we need to make sure we are looking after ourselves as well i.e having good solid people around you to support and encoruage you. It sound's to me like you do need to step back and take a break from the emotional roller coster she has got you on. Like other's said it is not fair on you or your family if this person is affecting you so much. It is ok to be selfish and look after yourself as well. It sound's like you are an amazing person who just loves to give out to other's which is awsome, but it is ok to look after yourself too. It is important for you and your family.
Edited by ButterflyMum
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Bizzy
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Joined: 01 January 1900
Location: New Zealand
Points: 10974
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Posted: 29 July 2008 at 12:38pm |
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katie1
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Joined: 01 January 1900
Location: New Zealand
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Posted: 29 July 2008 at 12:51pm |
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If it was me (and the person is a family member) I would write a letter like what Jennz said. It wouldn't be unnecessarily harsh but would be honest and say how hurt I was I would still try to be loving if I could. It may not make any difference but at least you have expressed your opinion and said you are still there.
If it was a friend (I think you said it wasn't) then I would perhaps be more inclined to just have some space from them. You have to look after yourself too and there is only so much you can do.
Thinking of you and hope things work out.
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FionaS
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Joined: 17 April 2007
Location: Auckland
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Posted: 29 July 2008 at 12:56pm |
Thanks for all your suggestions ladies. Your input is really helpful and is helping me iron out my thoughts.
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Mummy to Gabrielle and Ashley
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caliandjack
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Joined: 10 March 2007
Location: West Auckland
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Posted: 29 July 2008 at 6:46pm |
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Reading your post gave me a very real sense of deja-vu.
I had a close family member treat me in a similar way, and the only way I was able to cope with it was to put space between us, and limit the contact. No matter how much I tried this person would always find a way to upset me. Unfortunately the only way to resolve it was to restrict contact with them.
I think its especially difficult when its family, as you can feel a sense of obligation to them. Yet at times they seem to treat us so terribly.
I always remember the first rule of First Aid, ensure your own safety first. Otherwise you can potentially become a casualty too.
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  [/url] Angel June 2012
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Peace
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Joined: 01 January 1900
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Posted: 29 July 2008 at 8:35pm |
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At first, I was all for "ditch her and don't look back" but I have had a good, long hard think about this as I have been in a similar position with a family type member myself.
First, don't take it on board. Secondly if they are seriously wanting to walk, let them walk. And finally for me *I* have to leave the door open, letting family know that is a huge thing even if they are being especially difficult.
Take your time and think about what is best for your family as well, now you have a Hubby and a child and they are the most important and deserving of your emotions, not someone else.
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DD1 May 2006
DD2 March 2011
DD3 August 2012
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Two Blondinis
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Joined: 01 January 1900
Location: West Auckland
Points: 4370
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Posted: 29 July 2008 at 9:32pm |
 Peace wrote:
At first, I was all for "ditch her and don't look back" but I have had a good, long hard think about this as I have been in a similar position with a family type member myself.
First, don't take it on board. Secondly if they are seriously wanting to walk, let them walk. And finally for me *I* have to leave the door open, letting family know that is a huge thing even if they are being especially difficult.
Take your time and think about what is best for your family as well, now you have a Hubby and a child and they are the most important and deserving of your emotions, not someone else. |
What she said!
You can never quite ditch you family, not matter how much you want to sometimes.
It soulds like he/she is saying that they need some time out, that's fine but leave that "door" open to them to come back to once they have sorted their own issues out.
  to you hun
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JadeC
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Joined: 04 November 2007
Location: Auckland
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Posted: 29 July 2008 at 9:52pm |
Oh Fi, how awful.
I think the main thing to remember is that we mostly have no power over other people's actions and thoughts. As much as you would like to be able to help this person gain some more self-esteem and stop this destrictive behaviour, you can't. All you can do is be there for them in case they want to do it themselves.
But, you need to be there in a way that isn't going negatively effect you. You need some specific and strict boundaries in place to make sure that you are doing as well as you can.
If you put boundaries in place you can have some modicum of control over how the interactions happen. Boundaries can be things like not replying to messages that insult you.
But, it will get worse before it gets better, thats practically a promise. Even when people (adults) crave boundaries because they make us feel safe and secure, they'll still push them to see where they begin and end. All we can really hope for is that they will accept them, and that the interactions will get better for both of you. But in some awful way, either way you win. Either you have less stress (but some sadness) because they aren't in your life, or you have them in your life with less drama. And I think the hard thing to realise is that once you put boundaries in, that is THEIR choice. And whatever choice they make, it will be better than how it is now.
I really hope this isn't about who I think it's about 
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Andie
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Joined: 01 January 1900
Location: New Zealand
Points: 3614
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Posted: 30 July 2008 at 9:32am |
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Jade's post made me think of the 'Boundaries' book by Cloud & Townsend... you might have read it already, but a refresher on some of the principals of personal boundaries might help you find the perspective you need to make decisions on where to go next with this relationship. Sounds like a tough situation, but this person is causing you a great deal of stress, and if that's the way it's always been, my guess is that's the way it'll stay unless something somehow changes. So you could bail from the relationship (I don't mean that to sound bad!), keep the status quo and live with it (sounds regrettable IMO), or attempt making a change and it'll be up to the other person whether or not they allow that change to happen - you could write a heartfelt letter explaining where this is at for you, and leave it with her to take it from there... or whatever it is that you feel best in the situation. What would you advise Elle when she's older about a relationship like that if she were in a similar situation herself?
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Andie
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Relationship Issue -Help Needed
