At the risk of starting an argument....

I know this is a touchy topic and I dont want to start any arguments, but I think we are all nice people here and so I dont think it should happen...anyway I just wanted to have a rant cos I am sooooo angry

A female family member of mine who is a SAHM with her 2 kids, 5yrs and 18 months. SHe gave up work when she had her first and hasnt gone back. The thing is she is really anti daycare and she honestly looks down on people who use it as bad mothers. Now I will have to go back to work, somewhere between 4 and 6 months depending on how we manage the money we have saved and what things come up. It's not a choice so much as a matter of necessity really, we have a lot of commitments. Anyway I just had a conversation with her that went somehting like this:

Me: Cant wait to have some time off work, really looking foward to bonding with baby
Her: Well until you go back to work ofcourse, then you ONLY will be a part time mother...*smile smile wink wink*

But this is just one comment, I get heaps of them, HEAPS! When daycare comes up she constantly says things like "oh I could never do taht to my kids" and my personal favourite "why do people have kids if they are just going to let someone else raise them?"(grrrrrr..ok so everyone who needs to work is evil and doesnt deserve kids - the cheek of it!) and it really gets to me. I really hate her attitude and the fact that she thinks she is such a perfect mother and that she looks down on me already for being a bad mum and I havent even had this kid yet!!!! The thing is she is always complaining how hard her job as a mother is and how tired she is all the time cos her kids do this or that -she is such a martyr. WHat makes her so much better than me - and all that complaining about how hard her life is and how tough meibgn a full time mum is - how can that be being a good mother - esp when the kids overhear her saying it which they do from time to time? She is grumpy and short tempered, and stomps around like the world owes her somethign for being a fulll time mum, which ofcourse is hard but from my perspective it is a privillage, I would love to have that opportunity, and then - to turn around a look down on me because I will have to use daycare - uggghhhh aARRGGHHHHH!!!! So closed minded, so judgemental and SO FRIKKIN SUPERIOR!!!
Sorry guys, I know everyone has their view on this, and i think everyone is entitaled to their view (even her highness herself!) but I just want to say: why cant people have their own view but respect the view of others - why is there is this "looking down" on workng mums attitude amongst some people - WHY CANT PEOPLE JUST ACCEPT AND NOT CRITISIZE?!?!?

Like I said..sorry to rant, it just drives me nuts that this family member says this stuff all the time... I nearly lost it but I walked out, but one of these days i dont htink I will be able to contain myself and world war 3 will break out, she is not the kind of person you want to argue with! ... I am already dreading and sad about going back to work, it is going to be hard I know, and I am only doing it to pay the bills, and already I am being judged for it....!

aw frantic, people make all sorts of decisions in their lives that are different from those around us. you might have planned to stay at home with baby and then gone stir crazy and decided to go back to work? so how does that make you a bad mother?
i know you are not looking forward to going back to work, at least you have plenty of time to get your head around it, and can spend that time at home cherishing your baby. if you are happy in your work/homelife balance, your baby will be too.
from my point of view, sometimes it can be hard when you have made the decision to stay at home with your kids, and miss out on the material comforts that working will bring, and it honestly doesnt feel like the kids are benefiting from it much day to day. She might be feeling closed in from too much dora the explorer. Or inadequate? either side of the fence is pretty hard sometimes. I think possibly she has forgotten what it is like to be around people with different views to her - which can happen when you are in the playgroup set.

if i were you, i would start winding her up, telling her i am soo looking forward to being back at work away from dirty nappies, and that you have to work so you can pay for that trip to raro next year.... and watch the steam come out her ears!!!!!

As long as you and your hubby know the reasons why you have your homelife the way you do, and treasure the time you have together as a family, then how is that bad? i very much doubt your baby will suffer anything from being in care - she will be stimulated and learn lots from watching the kids around her.

do you want me to beat her up for you? coz i will if you want....... j/k

MrsF - piffle to her.
No matter what kind of mum you are, there is no such thing as a part-time one. It takes a whole new set of skills to be able to juggle work, raising children, happy marital relations and time for yourself. Having been both a working mum with number one and a stay at home mum with number two, I have to say that being at home in this day and age is a luxury, that the majority of NZ women can't afford. I don't think that most NZ women have a choice any more and even if they did, there isn't a wrong choice. Everyone's situation is unique and different.
I'd possibly start turning things around on the mum-martyr in your family by smiling and telling her that in the present economic climate she is lucky to have the luxury of having the choice to stay home and that you can at least take solace with the knowledge that your baby will have the best early childhood education available to her with two loving parents who are able to provide a home for her because they are working. If she's anything like the other mum-martyrs I've met it won't even touch the sides, but remember - you're doing a great job - and you're in the same boat as loads of other women!!!! Your wee bubs will have loads of social interaction with other kiddies and will be in no doubt as to who her mummy and daddy are. And I second Layla's offer to go around and tell her off for you. Or since she has all that time at home, maybe we'll just sign her up for lots of phone surveys and telemarketing databases?

oH mrs Frantic, just ignore her (I know its hard)...but I would like to tell you that I am a working mum and I dont think that I am a bad mum at all.

Yes I agree being a full time mum must be hard (cause when Zaara is in a bad mood she can make my weekend reallly looong)...but having to work and then come home and take care of house work + bub is hard too....

I mean when your bub turns 5 he/she will have to go to school and daycare is just getting bub prep for it. I am lucky my Auntie is looking after Zaara at my house so its good, but I plan to send Zaara to day care as soon as she turns 1 as I dont want her to be shell shocked when she finally goes to school....I want her to be around other children and socialize!!

You only have to go back to work because you want to provide the best for your child and as a family if you guys make the most of your time together and are happy then thats all that matters. Its no use being at home and being Grumpy and short tempered.....how does that help your home environment (I dont know???)?

I love my bub and if I could afford to stay home, I would but even then would work Part time or some thing. Your life style is different, your child with be different so no one should compare each other!!

Man, me and my novel!!! But my point is, ignore and do what is best for you and your family...and I think you will be a wonderful, loving mother...you never know your child might come out to be the better kid.....

Yeah in an ideal world we could be SAHM's and be with our kids and meet for coffee blah blah blah. (well in my ideal world it's what I want to do!)

Reality is so much different and hte majority of mums HAVE to return to work and I have no doubt I'll have to as well as much as I hate the idea.

You shouldn't be looked down on for providing for your family, it's not like you've said "I can't be bothered with the responsibility just stick the kid in day care" (and those few people I do have an issue with)...you are doing best by your family and child.

No one should put you down for that.

hmmmmm Did that rambling make sense?

Can you slap her? Mmmm, probably not... but I'd be tempted

i got a wicked case of the guilts when Maya first went to daycare at 5 mths, I kept imagining all the horrible things that could happen to her. But nothing did, and within a few weeks we were both settled in our new life, and now I thank God for daycare (or preschool)! I love my little girl to bits, but I am a better Mum for the time I have away from her, plus it's meant the difference between struggling on a benefit and having a decent life.

So I guess you know what I think...

LOL my boss asked me yesterday how long I need for maternity leave and I said 6 mths - she thinks I am being a bit optimistic! But I love my job, I don't want to leave!

Every month the hospital here has a morning tea for all the m ums and bubs born that month. I remember at ours that the midwife (an older traditional one too) said not all mums are cut out to stay at home and that they are better mums for going to work cos they enjoy the company of their kids so much more. I think that a lot of the older generation think badly of all the women who return to work because thats not how they did it, but it was never an option then and probably a lot of them would have gone back if thats how things were then.

I personally love being a SAHM, with a very small amount of work on the side, and cannot wait to do lots of fun things with Han when she is bigger, but a lot of mums just arent into that, and that is fine.

You are going to be a great mum Frantic, and it sounds like you family member needs a bit of a break but has cut off her daycare option by her past comments... Her problem, not yours

I was a SAHM in Palmerston North and still sent Jake to care once a week! It gave him some much needed social interaction and he LOVED it. sometimes I think mums feel like they are "just" a mum, maybe she is trying to stop that feeling insde herself...oh, and there is no such thing as a part time mother!
I am SAH at the moment, and honestly, some days it is all I can do not to lock Jake in his room (just kidding CYFS), I really need that adult interaction - hence the teaching course. Different strokes for different folks really and she should learn not to be so judgemental.
I';m still going with the "she is insecure in her own decision" feeling.
if she says anything else, talk about daycare kids having more social skills - not necessarily true, but hey 99% of statistics are made up anyway.

i am a sham and daycare saved my sanity ohh and james loves it he only goes for 6 hours a wekk but he loves it and happy bub happy mum dont listn to her mrsf because by the sound of it shes jelous of you and it can be hard trying to be shuch a little snob all the time!!

Going back to work is such a tough decision to make for some people and people who are over opinionated and feel a neccessity to justify their decision just make it harder on others of us. Frantic - you are making the best decision for you and your family and having your bubs in daycare won't make you a part time mum. You will still be the one to wake up in the night when your bubs is crying and the person they will look forward to seeing at the end of the work day. People like that are such hard work but she will be feeling insecure to have the need to be so verbal with you so try not to let it get to you too much. It is a really tough decision and reality that you face but it will all be fine in the end.