Voluntary sngle parenthood-what wld u do?

Hi all

Am interested in getting your responses to a messy situation I find myself facing!

As many of you will know from  some of my unhappy posts the last couple of years, DF and I have been fostering a chid who is closely related to DF and whom he has basically raised from birth.

Without giving the long, complicated and sad story here in detail, I though when DF and I moved in that the child biological father would eventually step up (and grow up) and do the right thing by this kid. He was making all the right noises but then he unexpectadly died about 4 days after we found out I was pg with Clodagh.

I can pinpoint that its from about that time I have found myself struggling harder and harder with this child as I realised we were 'it' (his parents now) ...abeit by default. There is also a wee girlwho has been orphaned by this targedy and all eyes of the family are on us to take her too...more stress!

I do not want to do this any longer. My health- both physical and mental- has suffered quite badly since this all happened and yet I have been the one who has tried and tried and tried to find a solution to accomodating this wee boy into our lives. I"ve had councelling, talked to MMH, had social workers come and work with us (well, ME)..and all os them say it's such a difficult tricky situation and that any depression or health issues I have had are hugely situational (so def not PND).

Things have come to a climax the last few days when MIL stated I wasn't raising this child to her likeing (DF and I are v strict with him...he needs strong boundries as he's very manipulative and has some emotional problems). She would prefer it if we spoilt him and 'Nana'ed him...precisiely what he DOESN'T need.  She also said I'd been trying to break up DF adn this child for ages! WTF?  I've done the total opposite and tried to nurture and encourage a strong r'ship bewteen them and everything else has been done on my own. Quite frankly it's like someone gave me this ncie albeot confused 5 year old and said'right Emmecat, now PARENT this child. Don't worry about DF he's too busy to support you and we certainly won't but make sure you do a good job etc'.

Anyway, since that wee converstaion, I just suddenly decided: That's it. I don't HAVE to do this. I'm under no legal obligation and arguably under no moral one either. The thought of not having to deal with this child or the problems or the family fills me with lightness and relief.  I've been thinking about it for a long time (over a year) and tried so hard to tell DF how I"m feeling and what might help (support) and trying to get him in on it but all to no avail.

I now face a situation where I would rather parent CLodagh on my own than her and this boy with DF.  It's that bad for me. I have told DF I'm more than happy to still be involved on weekends with the boy and that I will support him 100% if he feels he has to go and live with his mum and our foster son.....he can always visit us whenever he wants and the door is always open. He doesn't want to do this. He wants to stay in the statas quo but it's just not working at all. I hate my life like this. HATE IT.

It's a tricky situation with no easy or good solution really. I don't hate this child, I feel sorry for him but he's never wanted to live with us, he wants to live with his Nana although we can all see he won't flourish there. They won't hear of puttng him or his wee sister into a outside family foster home or with other younger couples in the family...and she's far too old to cope for much longer, esp with two of them! So what else can I do?????

I think I've been hugely selfless, tried my absolute best in a horrible sitaution that most women would walk away from..and even now I'm still trying to come to a compromise but that's it...I'm no longer willing to be the primary caregiver to this child. If I was single I would've walked away long ago.

Do I have a right to make this decision and leave Clodagh without a live-in Dad? I SOOOO do not want that but from where I sit, it's the better alternative of two unpleasant outcomes.

What would YOU do?

All I can say is...wow. Definitely a tricky situation to be in. You've probably done this already, but what I would do is lay all my cards down on the table...so to speak. I'd tell DF anything and everything that is on your mind regarding the situation. Explain how the lack of support is causing you major health issues, which impacts not only on the raising of your foster son, but also your daughter. Explain that it's something that's been festering for over a year...and that it's not a good place for you to be emotionally or mentally. Tell him what you need to happen in order for this situation to work positively...

My heart goes out to you, it's a huge thing to deal with, and I just hope you get the support you deserve.

Hi ooEvaoo- I've told DF absolutely EVERYTHING. All the time. He just doesn't want to hear it. He's very much from the 'ignore it and it'll go away' camp.  Even now he refuses to really discuss it with me.  He won't go for councelling. He won't let the social worker be involved anymore. EVERYTHING has been my responsibility. This includes not just has foster son but his taxes and child support for his other 2 kids which ended up just thousands in debt cos he kept ignoring the mounting bills....all cause dby a tax evasion by his old boss...all left for me to sort out whislt heavily pg and with a newborn! He's a lovely 'nice' guy but just doesn't face up to some of his responsibilites (although he will take on this child that noone else wanted so he's not all bad!)... it's like the whole family sensed I am capable so they've all really run with that!

I don't want to do it anymore  

Hi Bizzy- my feelings toward DF now are affection for him as he's the father of my beloved baby- and he's so good with her and loves her so much...but as a hubby, my feelings have changed quite a lot the last year due to all that he's quite frankly put me through  I've hung in there cos I don't want my daughter being raised in a fatherless home...studies show it's so bad for them.  But surely it's worse to be raised in a home where everyone is unhappy?

I think you've been amazing and have done everything you possibly can to make this situation work, littlesal's suggestion is a good one.

In the end how this child is raised/turns out isn't solely your responsibility, its the responsibility of his family.

You've done a great job and should be thanked for it, let the rest of his family take some responsibility.

Your main priority should be for your own health and the emotional, mental and physical health of your daughter.   to you and look after yourself.