Greiving Breastfeeding?

hey paws, congrats again on maddies birth

what you are feeling seems normal to me. with my first daughter i tried constantly for 6 weeks to breastfeed, having to express and give her breastmilk in a bottle, right from the start she just wouldnt latch and suck, we ended up re-admitted to hospital when she was a week old because she was very sleepy and wouldnt even wake for a feed. anyway, long story short.... i ended up switching to formula and gave up on trying at 6 weeks, i was getting really depressed. mine wasnt a problem with milk, it never dried up fully i still had some when i got pregnant with my second daughter. but 6 weeks of trying to get her to latch and actually drink got too much.

so i know where you are coming from with having the feelings you are. especially with the pressure of breast feeding, constantly hearing that "breast is best" and not to mention the pressure i put on myself. i hadnt prepared myself for being unable to feed. even a doctor i went to at 6 week check for bubs made me cry for not feeding! it was horrible. but for me my only regret was that i didnt just make the choice sooner, rather than try for 6 weeks and ALWAYS end up in tears feeling like a failure as a mum and not get to enjoy those first weeks.

you made a choice and i reckon you are doing great just try to think of the positives, and know you are doing whats best for you and maddie she wont think any less of you and you shouldnt either. and dont let what some people say to you or say in general make you feel bad.

hope i made sense and didnt sound stupid!

yep felt the same way and sometimes still do its tottaly normal i gave up because i was in sooo much pain but i still wish i had b/feed him but i,m also for bottle feeding not all mothers can b/feed and sometime breast is not best

It's good to know others have had similar feelings...it's seems weird that I would greive it when I only managed to feed her for 4 days.

I'm grateful though that this last attempt this morning was really nice and didn't hurt even if she got stuff all out of me!

We didn't have any issues with latching on or anything, but it turned out that demand feeding was making her colic worse and as I wasn't making enough hind milk she wouldn't go past 2 1/2 hourly feeds and after a CS and suffering with a nasty cold and chest infection (she was 7 weeks then)I had no energy left... now we are having to deal with her being very constipated on the formula. So yeah, you could say I'm grieving BFing, mostly because my milk basically wasn't good enough for her, and the only other option has created a problem all on it's own. There's nothing worse than seeing your baby in pain and there's nothing you can do about

But in saying that, the switch to Karicare and all of the other "poo relieving" methods we are doing seems to be working.

I was reading Shape of a Mother and another lady was describing the same thing.

Just remember that loving your baby is more important than anything else... and I'm pretty sure you are doing a brilliant job at that

I had the same feelings with Paris.. she wouldn't latch she would stop feeding and would scream and scream and not want to go back on again, so much i stopped going out cos i knew it would happen, she wouldn't feed up town, i'd walk thru town witha screaming baby.. after that happening a few times i just gave up going out.. finally when we did start giving bottles, i felt so much like a failure, i mean, i would still TRY, but very soon it was more bottle that breastfeed alot of the time. The thing i hated was at mother's groups, being the only one bottle feeding.. especially the one's at plunket, where all the mums would just go to feed their bubs.. i tried once, but she did the screaming thing really badly which was EMBARRASING.. but then so was what felt like the walk of shame as i then got up, and walked accross the room to go out to the kitchen at the plunket family centre.. to heat up a bottle.. It is normal to feel that way, but for me the thing i found was because it had got to the point where i dreaded feeding Paris sooo much, and where she wasn't getting enough and wasn't growing and was always hungry - i felt a huge sense of relief once i did start giving bottles because not ony could i again enjoy feeding times, but i saw that she stopped being hungry and started growing. so for me, the feelings of failure faded after a little while.

It did make it a little bittersweet when ih ad Ayja though, who fed like a dream (she was a cluster feeding frenzied nut!!) - the first time we went out one night to town, and i had to feed her in the mother's room, all those fears can flooding back (the same one where i had many a time ended up in tears of frustration with the screaming Paris in my arms).. but Ayja fed great, and i almost cried then because #1, i was amazed and so happy she was a good feeder, and #2, It made me really truely realize all that grief at missing out on that experience with Paris. Perhaps that's why i perservered for near on 14/15 months with Feeding Ayja even through placements, having to express at weird times, running myself into the ground while studying, missing out on breaks and lunch hours to go over to the daycare to feed.. The day i stopped i felt so sad. On the day that Paris finally gave up at about 6 months, she was only down to 1 feed a day, from one side, by then first thing in the morning.. and one morning she woke up and didn't want that anymore.. I went through grief then too.

(If you did want to build supply back up, it is not too much really, if bubs is feeding well when you do try, then offer the breast first at each feed then comp with bottles, express after feeds and if you follow this for a few days to a week then your supply will build back up pretty quick as you will have alot of stimulation for milk supply, as if she's having a growth spurt.)

Edited by mum2paris

I think I was lucky in that the only reason I had a clue what formula to get and what the heck to do with it was from spending time with Jax and knowing what she uses and seeing what she does.

One of B's cousins works in a neo-natal unit and she is actually really frustrated in knowing that there are mothers leaving the hospital not knowing how to prepare a bottle or what to do. I agree there should be more support and understanding.

I feel like I tried really hard to breastfeed, like Janine, I dreaded feeding Maddie. The amazing thing was that when my nipples cracked and bled it was using a nipple shield so I didn't even have the option of using one of those to ease things!!

On Tuesday 2.00am I was begging B not to make me feed her! The pain was honestly that agonising and the only thing that stopped me screaming out loud was that I knew it would scare Maddie so much. That's when B went and got some formula and we gave her that for the next two feeds. I tried to breastfeed again later Tuesday morning and a cracked and bled further.

I know I don't feel like I took an easy option switching to bottle feeding. To me it is just as hard for the reasons Peace gave. We're dealing with the reflux thing ourselves.

Hopefully I can breastfeed number 2, I won't rule out by a long shot!

(and I must admit - I'm kinda disappointed my new DD chest has already gone back down to a D and is no doubt headed for the orginal C. *sigh* Still I enjoyed my few days as a DD )

Edited by Paws

Wow, Paws, i still find it amazing that there are mums who leave not knowing how to prepare formula and sterilize bottles etc too. In our unit where i work, any mums going home using bottles and formula are not allowed to go until they have had a demo on milk making and sterilizing andhave shown us that they can do it right - to ensure for their wee bubs that they are going to be getting it made up right so they can stay healthy and growing - all of the stuff we use in the hosopital comes readymade, and brands are switched regularly so that we are not showing any special interest or promoting any certain type. I feel so incrediably good that our neonatal mums get alot more support i feel for breastfeeding as well as bottle feeding in terms of info and access to people that can help.

But for those that leave from just the postnatal ward i am unsure, i think because of BFHA (babyfriendly hospital accreditation) they must sign a form and consent to be able to get the info about bottle feeding and formulas.. we can't just give it out without them asking. so i would say, if you have any inkling about possibly switching.. even if it isn't for a while or just every once and a while.. if you have no idea, then ask for info cos they should have some, you may just have to give consent first.

Edited by mum2paris

I just wish I could have had the luxury of the choice Rachel.

I agree that no one should be made to feel guilty for thier choices.

If you don't mind me saying, I really admire anyone who has had the strength to push through and be successful at breastfeeding!