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busybee 
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 Topic: Feeling unmaternal
Posted: 22 September 2009 at 8:13am |
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Does anyone around here feel particularly unmaternal...Although we planned this baby and we always said we'll have kids one day now that it is here I sort of feel disconnected. I have seen baby in a number of scans but still it doesn't feel like I'm bonding...I read post and most woman can't wait for the little bundle of joy to arrive...and I don't see it. I have no doubt that I will love this baby...but why do I feel so far away?
Has this happened to anyone else and should I be worried that I won't bond properly once baby is here...or is it really love at first sight? Should I see a shrink or are some people just less emotional?
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ButterflyMum
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Posted: 22 September 2009 at 8:22am |
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I have been like that this time round I think partly cause I have not really had much movement and i am just so busy with the other 3 I think i was very much the same with Alan my first as well I had no trouble bonding with him at all in fact i was most attached to my Mikey during pregeancy and he was my hardest to bond with so I think its to do with the baby etc as well I ended up with PND With him as well.
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lilfatty
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Posted: 22 September 2009 at 8:33am |
There are some days i DEFINATELY feel unmaternal! lol
Elias I didnt bond with as a bump like I did Isabelle, but it made no difference when he came out, I still  'd him with my entire being. (I honestly didnt think id ever love another child as much as Isabelle, but I just Isabelle even more now Ive seen her be such an amazing sibling)
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Mummy to Issy (3) and Elias (18 months)
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ElfsMum
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Posted: 22 September 2009 at 8:56am |
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it hasnt happened to me but i hear it is quite normal..it's very surreal growing a baby...! but as you say once he/she is out you will feel differently:)
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Zasha
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Posted: 22 September 2009 at 9:44am |
Bussybee, you aren't alone, I'm feeling so unmaternal it's not even funny, I'm not a girly girl or maternaI in any way or form, I work in a male dominated industry and into male dominated sports, kids was never on my agenda, and here I am in my mid 30's and pregnant.
I had so many things planned for this year and now everything has been shattered, In all honesty I feel very angry about my current situation and in still some what in denial about the whole pregnancy, regardless of the fact that I've seen the baby on the scans, heard the heart beat, been a by stander on witnessing my body been distorted into the shape of a strangers, I've felt the baby kicking and moving around in my belly, and yet I still don't feel any kind of bond with the baby. I know the birth is inevitable and theres no way out but, I still haven't got my head around the whole idea of been a parent, much to my partners disapointment (he always wanted kids). I have no real matenal instinct and it is concerning me, Unfortunately for some reason I seem to view the baby as some sort of parasite, that is sucking the life outa me, taking over my body and stopping me doing what I love to do. For me love something takes a long time, and isn't something that comes easy, it takes me a long time to bond with anyone, and yet there's all the expectations of motherhood been placed on my shoulders, for me to instantly love and care for a baby that was never planned or in my case not wanted either. It took a lot of talking from my partner to stop me getting an abortion, there hasn't been many days in the past 5 1/2 months since I've found out I was pregnant, that I haven't ended up in tears (and I'm not usually and emotional person at all). People keep telling me that the maternal instinct will kick in, but I'm really starting to wonder if it's going to happen as I'm certainly not feeling maternal yet. My partner has even gone as far as naming the baby to try and get me to see it as a person, not just a growing lump in my belly, my partner has started to buy baby gear and I can see it slowly taking over our flat, I'm still not feeling the slightest bit clucky.
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CuriousG
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Posted: 22 September 2009 at 9:54am |
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I dont think I have had time to bond with this baby yet. I am only starting to now that I have finished work and am spending some time on my own. I called him sweetheart the other day while he was wriggling around so I guess it is happening - but slowly.
On saying that about Cameron, I don't enjoy being pregnant one bit. I can not wait to have my body back which sounds kind of selfish but its true. I am over feeling tired and sick and lacking energy. I always feel bad saying that I hate being pregnant but its simply true. I know what I am in for with regards to lack of sleep etc coming up but its different when they are actually out. Having a lump on the front of me is doing my head in this time, especially running around after my preschooler.
With Charlotte I was totally besotted from about 12 weeks (once the amnio came back ok) and had bonded with her in the womb.
Edited by CuriousG
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Bobbie
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Posted: 22 September 2009 at 10:01am |
I didn't bond with Rowan until she was here but then it was immediate. I'm not a very clucky person by nature. I did get teary at the scans and take bump pics etc but I felt removed from it all.
This time around same feeling except I haven't been emotional or taking pics or anything because I've been too pre-occupied with DD.
I'm sure once baby is here I'll bond though - just like last time.
ETA: Zasha your case sounds a bit more extreme  Have you talked to your Doc/LMC about how you're feeling?
Edited by Bobbie
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monikah
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Posted: 22 September 2009 at 10:07am |
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yea i was the same. im not clucky and i found it silly being all gooey over something that isnt real yet. i came right once he was born though so dont panic. some ppl take a few weeks even after baby is born. i promise it will all be sweet though :)
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ElfsMum
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Posted: 22 September 2009 at 10:17am |
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i know it sounds ridiculous..but when they are here it really is different.. it's hard to explain..
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Treen
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Posted: 22 September 2009 at 11:14am |
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You don't need to see a shrink, hon! There are a lot of us our there. I haven't a maternal bone in my body. I ignore my friends kids because I don't know how to communicate with them and half the time I can't remember their names. DH is forever pointing out "cute" kids when we're out yet all I see is just another kid. I think all newborns are ugly and I can't for the life of me understand why mums post 6000 baby photos up on Facebook...
My mum was the same. She didn't have me because she felt the maternal urge. She had me because that's what women did. But the moment I was born, she knew that that was her reason for being. And my instinct tells me that I will be exactly the same.
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lilfatty
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Posted: 22 September 2009 at 11:22am |
 Treen wrote:
I can't for the life of me understand why mums post 6000 baby photos up on Facebook...
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Mummy to Issy (3) and Elias (18 months)
I did it .. 41 kgs gone! From flab to fab in under a year LFs weight blog
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Joscia
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Posted: 22 September 2009 at 11:49am |
I was exactly the same. I felt like I was thinking about myself in the third person throughout my pregnancy - like it was happening to someone else and I was just observing. Kinda surreal.
Don't feel bad if you don't bond with the baby straight away once it's born either. I HATED the first few weeks - found it really, really hard and didn't feel maternal AT ALL!
But believe everyone when they tell you that it DOES get easier! By about 6 weeks I was very fond of DS, and by 9 weeks - totally smitten. Now (16 weeks) I couldn't imagine life without him.
In the immortal words of Rachel Hunter - 'it won't happen overnight, but it will happen.' 
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minik8e
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Posted: 22 September 2009 at 11:54am |
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boys.boys.boys.boys
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Posted: 22 September 2009 at 12:39pm |
Joscia wrote:
I was exactly the same. I felt like I was thinking about myself in the third person throughout my pregnancy - like it was happening to someone else and I was just observing. Kinda surreal. |
I was exactly the same!!! My first pregnancy was very unplanned (even though I had aways desperately wanted kids) and I had no friends at all that were pregnant or with babies.
If fact, after Micah was born, someone could have easily come and said "ok, thats your turn with the baby over now" and taken him away!!! (no way they could now though!!!)
Those first weeks are definatly the worst, but at some stage, I couldnt wait for him to wake up from his sleeps so I could hold him again... and after they start smiling, everything just gets ever so much easier!!!
Edited by rosieh
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4 boys!! 7 years, 5 years, 2 years and 8 weeks...
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busybee
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Posted: 22 September 2009 at 1:00pm |
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I had no idea there are so many people that feels like this. Some days it is more extreme than others but I really don't feel like I am gaining something by having a baby, I am more aware of all that I am losing by having one. I don't want to give up my financial freedom that comes from working full time, but I realise the responsibility I have to the kid will make me cut my hours. I don't like the idea of not being able to sleep through and go off on holiday when I want to....I hope my perspective changes soon....
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Millyz
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Posted: 22 September 2009 at 2:04pm |
busybee, I'd like to think that its normal for some as I feel the same way too!!
I'm not a maternal person, never have been - don't get "clucky" over other folks' kids so have to pretend sometimes so they don't think I'm a weirdo.
I also worry about losing my freedom - physically and financially but I also could not see myself not having kids. And I really want to make a wee family with my wonderful DH.
Its funny, my mum (who I think is the bestest mum in the whole world) told me a couple of years ago that she's not a maternal person. She could have fooled me growing up, I certainly felt and do feel loved. Plus she had four kids so must have thought it wasn't such a bad deal!! 
So don't beat yourself up over it, I'm sure once we have our wee babies in our arms it'll be love at first sight, or within a month or so anyway!!
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Shezamumof3
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Posted: 22 September 2009 at 3:45pm |
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emz
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Posted: 22 September 2009 at 4:03pm |
I've always wanted kids, in fact that's all I wanted to do, was get married and have kids. Sure I did plan on going out to teach one day (as that's what I'm trained for) but that 'one day' would have been once the kids were in school.
So, imagine my surprise when I hated my first pregnancy with a passion. So many things went wrong, I had terrible care (the m/w has been de-registered since  ) and felt that I was losing so much (baby was very very planned btw). I didn't bond immediately, it took a good few weeks after we got feeding sorted, sleeping got better, and I finally went back on meds for depression that I really bonded with my son. Now I love him to bits (although he drives me nuts )
Second one, pregnancy was fine but life was really bad in every aspect so I felt like the baby was holding me back from sorting myself out. I'm starting to bond with her now, but it's taking time.
I really thought I'd be one of those over-the-top mothers that make you sick, but TBH I've discovered that while I love my kids immensely, I don't love all kids (especially other people's little ones!) and I'm quite happy to go out working as of next year to gain my sense of self back. You can still be a good mother and not be the be-all-and-end-all for you children IYKWIM. It took me a long time to realise that.
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sottise
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Posted: 22 September 2009 at 4:13pm |
to you guys - it's an emotional time for sure.
I never particularly wanted kids (noisy, messy, rude), never EVER got clucky over babies (noisy, stinky, weird looking) etc etc. The universe has a sense of humour. ;)
I distanced myself from the 'idea' of baby while pregnant because I didn't want to get attached and have something happen.
Then when she arrived it wasn't love at first sight (or second, or third). I was still very "why is this baby happening to me" and didn't like her very much for the first few months. Even now it's a struggle at times - I was very set in my ways and (too) comfortable in my life, so I still catch myself wishing she'd grow up and be independent so I don't have to mother her. Then I get the guilts. :D
But I love her, totally and completely. I still don't like kids in general, and I don't get clucky over babies, but I adore my little Gojira and wouldn't mind another one just like her...
Just a wee ramble from the POV of a mid-30s unmotherly type. It can take some effort / mental adjustment, but it'll happen.
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Febgirl
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Posted: 22 September 2009 at 4:36pm |
It will happen, but not necessarily straight after birth either. I knew I loved DD as soon as she was born, but it was only after around 6 months that I really started to like her - not that I didn't like her before that, but it was around that time her personality really started coming out and I could see her more as a little person rather than a cute, noisy, often demanding and tiring little thing to take care of!
Nowadays at 19 months old I find myself staring at her in awe sometimes, amazed by how beautiful and wonderful she is! I'm definately more a toddler person than a newborn person!
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Feeling unmaternal
