Joining the PND bandwagon

Sorry for those who have already read this under September mums but thought I'd also post separetely for those who don't stalk those threads.

Well I can safely say this has been a very trying week!

It started out with a late night trip to A&E on Sunday night as my c-section wound has started weeping and turns out it is midly infected. Lucky I caught it early so I'm getting on top of that.

In addition I've had a few total meltdowns in the last 18 days with an absolute whopper breakdown yesterday afternoon/night that hadn't improved huge amounts today. I felt the worst I've ever felt because I knew I came so close to wanting to shake Maddie and I know she picked up on how I was feeling and was scared. I can honestly say I felt like total s**t! (not to mention the worst mum in the world!)

Lucky I was going to Monique (my GP & LMC) about my c-section wound anyway so I had a talk to her about how I was feeling. I did not want a repeat of the previous night!

I've got a history of depression so I recognised these breakdowns were severe and not just the blues and Monique agreed best course of action was anti-depressents pronto. I'm on a mild dose to start and it will be reviewed regularly and increased if necessary.

It's the first time I've been back on meds in almost 6 years but I was willing to do whatever it takes to get back on track fast and be a better mum.

I know it's been said before but if new mums (or anyone for that matter!) are feeling really bad and low, don't hesitate to talk to someone and get some help! I know I'm already feeling mildly better just having taken that first step!

awww hunny i have been there soo mad and sadf and every outher emtion in the world and i did shake james (not hard) and i think many a mother has done somhing they are not proud offf i felt like the wrost mother in the world but you no what babys forgive very easyly and love you no matter what i glad you went to the docs as i didnt just kind off mubbled thur and somedays still do but you are very brave to get help and as you said its the frist step

a reason why i love this website is that we can talk about hings like pnd and others openly and most of the time someone out there has gone through it and is going through the same emotions as you.

paws. you are a wonderful person and i have so much respect etc.. for you for reaching out and getting help.

i am going through it too at the moment but am feeling too alone and bad to ask anyone for help, and i have been having big meltdowns, really feeling like im loosing it, its horrible. gosh im all teary now.

ok... im going to stop right here before i "hijak" your thread!

take care

Like I've always said honey... you know where I am

Good on you for asking for help straight away!

I just today have gone back on fluoxitine for the first time in 5 years for my depression, and even though I'm an old hand at it now, its the asking for help that is the biggest hurdle.

big hugs chick. xxx

Big hugs Paws. And as everyone said, good on you for recognising the symptoms and asking for help. While I didn't have PND< I did have the dsay from hell today also, so I can certainly sympathise with feeling like "worst mum EVER", but babies forgive easily and won't even remember things you say...two year olds on the other hand....

Anyway, glad to hear you are getting some help and remember we are all here for you!

Oh Paws!! BIG

I never had PND, but some days like Liz said...I had it rough. Zaara was and still is a light sleeper and gave me hell for the first couple of months....some days I use to just feel like sitting there crying! And some days she would cry and I dint know why? nothing I did helped and I would just feel like screaming and crying! and some days I did cry.....Its hard being a Mum...and only another Mum would know!!!

We all think you are a wonderful Mum, please never think other wise. We are all here to support you...even if some of us dont know exactly what you are going thru...may be we should all get together and pig out on chocolate??!!

Thanks for the support everyone!!

Although it is a little disappointing to be back on meds I'm not beating myself up about it. Given my past history of depression we knew it increased my risk for suffering from PND.

And hopefully it will only be a 6-9month course of treatment. In a way I'm glad of having had depression before as at least I knew the signs!

Hey roomie - I was going to PM this but your inbox is full...in any case....
Gudday there,
Sorry to hear that things are going rough for you at the moment. Someone has probably mentioned it, but Waitemata/North Shore District Health have a reasonably good group that can offer you and B extra support over the next months (they have outreach childcare/home help to give you a hand when B is back at work). Monique can send a referral for you if she hasn't already. Remember, you're getting over major surgery AND 40 weeks of diminished immunity etc due to growing a new person as well as sleep deprivation, cracked nipples etc. That on top of having a newborn in the house is like running three marathons in a row straight after competing in 10 ironman competitions (not to mention the emotional olympics of stress, fatigue, hormones and more stress).
I can remember feeling like throwing Sean through a window when he was little and wailing. I still feel that way about him sometimes now. It doesn't make you a bad mum - just makes you human. I had a routine where when I was ready to snap, I'd put him in his bassinet or cot where he was safe, and walk very slowly out to the letterbox and back by myself to get away. If that wasn't enough, I'd head to the shower and bawl my eyes out until I felt I could go back into the room. Kids are tough to be around. Anyone who says differently hasn't been around them.
Take care, salutations to B and M and prayers your way.
Maree


Edited by emeldee

I have watched this thread with interest anf find it so refreshing tohave us all talking about it ans upporting one another, also helps other mums going thru the same not to think they are the only one. to all those currently battling, hang in there, have been there and told my story many times, and have a fair few days where i still just can't handle stuff. Expecially for me now, if i have had a hard day at work, I am fine at work, calm collected great, doesn't phase me. but i get home and that's when, unconsciously, if mike says one thing wrong, SNAP, bawling mess of tears, frustration and just feeling like i'm out of my depth.. never thought starting a new job would affect me cos it's finally on the up and up.

Rach, I am so glad to hear you talk about your partner having had PND, not many people realise dads can get it. Mike had it with Ayja, big time bad, and there are still days when he is really affected by it, hence the remarks about loving Paris more, cos he doesn't have that strong bond there with Ayja, he loves her, he likes vbeing around her, but the diff is, when she gets stroppy, there's no patience there, not as much as with a child that you have an iron clad bond with. I remember him having a whole lot of trouble with her from the start and he changed alot when i had her. The worst thing i found was going out on my maternity placement when ayja was 4 months old.. being called out at 8.15 am on a sunday morning to attend a delivery - nothing prepared, Ayja decided that she would not take the bottle, and would scream constantly all day (she was a bad bad screamer.. )mike rung me, frantic, crying, at the end of his tether, and i knew that i could do nothing about it, i couldn't leave, i spent the rest of that day not focussing on the delivery that i was attending, but wondering and hoping that he was ok and my babies were ok, having been on the other side i know how worried he must have been when i would phone him at work when i had PND and anxiety after having Paris... cos i'd have panic attacks and get horrific stomach and chest pains, and feel faint. here he was at the other end of the phone at work, nothing he could do but hope that i'd ring back in 10 mins when it had passed to say things were all good. that was his way of helping me not feel so scared that the pain was something med related (i had fears that something was medically wrong and that i would flake or something while no one was home to see or take care of paris)

it sucks.

Yet another reason why, as much as i would love another baby, i just know that i couldn't handle it, mike wouldn't cope either, hence the vasectomy. Together we help each other out and it's made us stronger cos we have a good understanding of each other's triggers and can step in if one is getting stressed, but another one, who knows, theres always that fear that one of us would get the PND back and that's not fair on our other girls who we have battled through for.