Feeling forgotten.

I am feeling forgotten by my family and even sometimes my partner!     Since I had Jamie, they all just carried with their normal lives, working and socialising and seem to have forgotten that a)I've had surgery and b) I have a newborn baby and a two year old!   I am grateful for my mum to have been here with Sam the week I was in hospital, but as soon as I came home she took that to mean she wasn't needed and would only come over when my DP was at work because clearly if he was at home, I didn't need the help.   Now because my DP only started his job recently, he wasn't able to take a lot of time off to be at home with me.

Mum had two weeks off at Christmas and spent barely any time here, and then spent a week in Whitianga with her boyfriend and even spent new years with him and HIS grandkids.    My DP had to work all of these days bar New Years day, and she told me she was only going for a day!   Then when I tried to get hold of her she fobbed me off and said "Oh I'll text you later".   Then when she got back she went on and on about what a wonderful break SHE had.   Now she has returned to work, so no help much from her.    Now my DP has taken two whole weekends off to go to a stag do and a wedding in Auckland, which means more time at home by myself with two kids.   He's also started to do a few late nights at work and didn't even ask me how I felt about it, so even though he starts a bit later in the morning, he comes home well after the witching hour has ended, dinner, bath and bed is all done.     Yesterday Sam threw a huge tantrum and lay on the kitchen floor screaming, Jamie screamed wanting to be fed, I had stuff on the stove burning and I actually didn't know what to do with myself.   Don't even get me started on my father who has been to see me twice since I had Jamie and is going to live and work in Scotland for two years.

I know other people can do this and cope just fine but I just don't think people understand how bloody hard it is with a newborn baby, on top of having a c-section, a full on toddler and Jamie has colic too!

Sorry for the big whinge, but I have been begging for help and nothing has changed.    Mum is going through menopause, is worried about my nana, has my depressed and unemployed brother sponging off her and doesn't seem to have time for me and although my DP is good and does a lot of the housework, he's just not here enough and it seems like he cuddles the baby, falls asleep on the couch and that's it!

And, I am so run down I have a really chesty cough, can hardly breathe, lost my voice and poor Sam is bearing the brunt of it all as he is still adjusting to having a baby in the house and him going away with his grandparents and dad lots over Christmas has mucked up his routine. In the few days after he comes home he is beside himself with overtiredness, won't go to sleep at night or during the day and it really wears me out.
Do I keep asking my mum and my partner for help, or do I just struggle on? I know it feels much worse because I'm sick, and once Jamie gets a bit older he will sleep longer which means I won't be so sleep deprived, but I just feel like I'm just expected to be ok and carry on all by myself.

Edited by neeandsam

Likewise I'm no help - but big hugs...

ETA - I assume you have actually told your Mum in basic English that you want/need some help? My Mum is great, but would be the first to admit that she needs/wants to be asked. I've found it hard to do, but it's getting easier.

And...do you have someone else who might be able to help - an aunt/cousin/friend? even someone from a Plunket group type of thing? You could trade 'helping' days - so when you're feeling more on top of things you can help them???

Edited by surfergirl

Do you have any friends with kids the same age as Sam? We have no family out here and my DH had a nervous breakdown at the time Kyle was born so although he was off work he was next to useless cos he wasn't well himself. My friends would come pick Spencer up for playdates and it helped so so much. I also found, which might not be possible as you've had a c/s, that going back out to things like playgroup, coffee group and so on really helped cos it kept Spencer in his routine and it also wore him out which meant he would either have a sleep or some quiet time in the afternoon to give me a break from dealing with two at once.

My Dh does shifts so things I found that helped once he was back at work were to have dinner at lunch time and then toast and fruit and snacky stuff at dinner time that way you all get a good meal, it's just in the middle of the day when things always seem a bit easier to cope with. If I had no where to go (or couldn't be bothered leaving the house) then I would do the bath in the morning, kept Spencer occupied for a while which is always a good thing and one less thing to worry about during that horrid early evening time.

When I am knackered and over it all Spencer spends a lot of time in timeout cos I lose it at every little thing. I have spoken to other friends about this and they have done the same with their toddlers through pregnancy tiredness and now newborn tiredness. It sucks and none of us like turning in to the evil mummy monster but YOU are not a bad person because of it and we all do it, we can't and aren't perfect, and I suck as a person on not much sleep.

I would keep asking for help and if you can't get it through your mum or DP then maybe talk to your mw to see if there is any other assistance you can get. A friend of mine was saying that you can host trainee nannies and although they can't do everything and have specific things they need to cover it is free help so maybe look into that as well.

And lastly it does get better and easier, I promise.

Yes ask for help. Maybe you could talk to your plunket nurse and she might be able to help in someway.

Ooo yeah just remembered get a slow cooker, you can prepare dinner in the morning when everyone is happy and then its ready when everyone is grumpy

If you're feeling really desperate give parent aid a call and someone will come and help you. A friend of mine had to use them when she had a migraine, I couldn't get to her and neither could her mum, the lady that came was so good and my friend got some much needed rest and the lady even did a bit of tidying up for her. If I lived in Hamilton I would come and give you a hand myself.

Big hugs, hope you get some good rest.

its a lot harder with two than one thats for sure!

it sounds like your mum has got lots on her plate already too...

some things that might help are changing things around for a bit. baths dont have to be in the evening when it is just you, do them in the morning. and if jamie needs a bath give him to your partner in the shower in the morning. a great way to bond for them too. and dont forget babies that age dont need a bath every single day, just a wipe down will do on the days you dont bath.

sometimes it is a matter of trying to do too much.

I think I know how you feel. When I had Jack I got heaps of help, visitors all the time incl family that helped with things etc but after Ben was born it kind of felt like he didn't matter. Hardly anyone visited and it seemed harder to get help. I felt guilty for asking for help as well as I knew that everyone was so busy, I also hated having to ask for help, why didn't everyone know/see that I needed it with 2 kids! Anyway, I sympathise.

Aprilfools mentioned using Parent Aid but as far as I am aware they are a West Auckland based free service although they may have a similar service in Hamilton. They provide temporary assistance (childcare, light housework) when you need it. I would definately recommend looking into whether something like this in your area, your local Plunket should be able to help you. I hav used their services and they are great

and yes, I also think people think you can cope because "you've done it before". they dont realise that two is a whole new kettle of fish. God, one kid is so easy!!!!!

People can be funny about offering help when its the 2nd baby. they seem to think you know it all! But I agree with letting them know how you feel and asking for help, you need some time for you.