A Little Messed Up..

I would really love for my DF to read this, as iv felt this way for awhile just too scared to open up and talk about it.. Just needed to get it off my chest.

I don’t even know where to start.
I’m scared.
That’s the beginning.
I want to be all you want me to be but I’m afraid I cant, then again I’m more afraid I’m not.

Baby is 3 weeks today that scares me too.
Can I be a mum?
I am afraid of us, I am afraid of loosing you. I am afraid I cant make you happy anymore.
I am afraid your going to go elsewhere to get what I cant give you, what I know you want.

Writing things down is so much easier than saying them.

I want to give you the world but I can’t even give you sex so how I am supposed to give you the world.
I’m afraid that I’m to horrible and fat now that you don even want to look at me because I know i find it rally hard to look at myself.

I’m finding it really hard to come to terms with the weight iv gained, the stretch marks iv got and id give anything to look like I did before I got pregnant.
To be pretty again and to be skinny again.
I would give anything to make you smile again like I used too.

I would give anything for you to think of me in ways you haven’t before, To think I’m more than just a slut. Because im not.
Maybe I try to hard, or maybe I don’t try hard enough.
I’ve bought stuff to try making the stretch marks go away and I’m determined to try and loose all the weight to be the girl you fell in love with. I’m just afraid that you wont love the new me.

That the new me will be to ugly for anyone to look at again.
I used to live for comments, I used to love the attention. At least I new I was wanted. At least I felt like someone.

Right now I feel like a blob of stretched fat.
I’m so afraid I will look like this forever.
I’m afraid the dream I have is just a dream.

I dream of us doing things as a family, I dream of us being the family I never had and always wanted. I dream of us being more than the world. I dream of our wedding. I dream of our baby’s first smile. I dream of family outings to take her to the park, to feed the ducks, to see her smile, to hear her laugh. To see you smile and to see you laugh, To see us as a family, To be in this together.

I’m afraid of being alone, I’m afraid of being alone with her, I’m afraid of hurting her, I’m afraid of hurting you.
I’m afraid I can’t cope. I’m afraid there’s something wrong with me. I’m afraid of being afraid. I’m afraid I won’t have you here when I need you the most. I’m afraid I can’t give you what you need, I’m afraid a hug is not enough. I’m afraid of needing you too much. I am afraid that you don’t need me as much as I need you, that you will be fine without me. I am afraid I am depressed.

I try to do everything, I try to be someone you will like, I try to like the things you like just so you will like me.

I feel like a helpless schoolgirl with no friends. What friends do I have?
Im afraid that its just going to be me and her, that one day you will be gone.

Yeah I am afraid that you will get sick too. I wish I could make you understand. Im sorry you think I don’t care but I just don’t know how to face sickness, how to talk about it.

I wish I could be more. I wish I could help more, buy you more.
I wish I didn’t have to ask you for money, ask you for help. But then I wish I could if I needed to but I feel bad because then you miss out

As you said the other day you want to be able to buy all these things, but you cant which is why I went to work because if I didn’t and then I asked you to help me cover my share of rent then its because of me that you missed out again.

Yeah I wish I could buy things too, I wish I could get my hair done, my nails done, get a facial or just do something for me but at the end of the day If I buy baby one more thing I missed out on as a child that makes me just as happy. I don’t want her to miss out because I was feeling down and wanted a facial to make myself feel better, because at the end of the day I would just feel guilty for making her miss out and for being selfish.

I am afraid that something is going to go wrong. Nothing ever goes right for me, everything finds a way of falling apart.

I hope im not falling apart..
Does any of this even make sense? Probably not, I’m sorry.

I just feel so inadequate, that I’m nothing, not worth anything, never will be. I feel like I shouldn’t be here that I don’t belong here.

I don’t want to feel this way anymore, I try to make myself forget about the stretch marks, I try not to look in the mirror so that I don’t remind myself.
But I can feel them, will they ever go away?
What if I have them for life?
Could you even look at me?


Edited by LilAngel4Me

have sent you a PM but big hugs as well.

Hey there, I also think you should talk things over with you Dr. It might not hurt to print out what you have just written and give it to your DF, you will probably find he is feeling a lot of the same feelings.

And remember you are only at week 3 most baby books say to allow a year to get back to pre pregnancy weight. I remember looking in the mirror the day after my c/s and thinking oh my god i'm a gross saggy bag of flesh, but 3 months down the line I don't look too bad, not as good as I would like and not quite back to pre pregnancy but a lot lot better.



Hope you feel better soon

Handmade Jewellery

I agree with cuppatea - print this out and give it to him. Even with our comments because we understand. You try to be perfect and all the while you are totally exhausted.

And you know those stretch marks - be proud of them cause everyone help to make your precious daughter and a sign that you are a mother. (yep we all hate them but they are there because you gave life to a human being and thats the most bestest gift that you can give someone)

Lilangel4me, I wish I could give you a big real hug right now instead of a virtual one. I agree that you should talk things over with your Dr. You may be suffering some baby blues as well as all the natural pressures that come from being a new Mum. I think you need to reach out to your partner and anyone else that you can, for support. I'm sure you are as beautiful as ever and hopefully you will be able to see that for yourself soon.

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Hi I read your post earlier in the day and keep coming back to it. I can identify with sooooo much of what you wrote but wasn't sure what to say. The exhaustion of the first few weeks, all the hormones, all the questions and "what ifs" and other life changes... it's pretty normal from what I've seen, and I've been through that after every baby I've had. Although I've gotta say that my first was the hardest because of my change of identity as well. Perhaps I was more prepared for the others but I still ended up in a sobbing heap on my DH's shoulders.

I think you have done an awesome job of writing it out. I would also print it out and give it to your DF, if nothing else it will help you express a little and hopefully he'll be lost for words and offer you a great big manly hug It wouldn't hurt to show your mw either. At least it's already put into words, so I guess that makes it "easy".

btw I don't think you sound depressed at all.... well, depressed to a degree, as in a normal kind of depression/low... but I think you'll swing back up soon. With every week of baby it does get easier, and it's only another 3 weeks before you start getting smiles as rewards for being so loving and concerned towards your new little baby.

As for the weight, you may surprise yourself with how quickly it trims up, once your muscles figure out that they don't have to hold a baby in there any more. I give myself the first 6mos before I start doing anything drastic (more than walking hehe) and have been really surprised with how much difference my body makes "on it's own" in that time.

I think a lot of the ladies have summed up what I was thinking. The only thing I can really say is that it does get easier as you both adjust.

I'm feeling a bit like you do with the weight thing but I do remember with Jack i was pleasantly suprised that I was pretty much back to normal after 6 months and no real effort so give yourself some time your body knows what to do.

Oh, i think everyone else has said what i wanted to say, but hang in there, we're definitely with you. Take care. xx

If you're like me, you'll find having written it and then reading it again will be very theraputic.