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nikkitheknitter 
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 Topic: Contact Han’s Dad?
Posted: 11 April 2008 at 3:56pm |
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Freeeeeeeak me out.
I was talking to Jo about my sordid past and the result of that, which is the Hanny pants, which got me thinking about Hannah's dad.
I haven't done it for aaaaaages but I googled his name and it brought up a topic I had written on OldFriends soon after I got the paternity results back in 2005. Anyway, someone had answered a year later. A girl named Jess who said Nick was living in Auckland and that she could get me in touch with him if I hadn't already.
Now, HOLY CRAP. What do I do???!?!?!? I didn't expect this at all!
I messaged Jess and asked her if she could pass on his contact details... no specifics about why, then atleast I thought I could decide later.
I guess I feel guilty that I am keeping it from him. Before it was fine as I had no idea where he was or how to get in touch, but now it may be that I don't have that excuse any more.
Helllllllllllp.
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nikkitheknitter
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Posted: 11 April 2008 at 3:57pm |
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ETA - the girl Jess replied in 2006 - so there is potential that a) she won't get my message and b) she doesn't know where he is now.
Eeeeeeeeeek.
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kebakat
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Posted: 11 April 2008 at 4:03pm |
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Eeek. That is soooo hard!
Without knowing what he is like this is what I believe that I would do if she does give you contact details for him.
Search him out and see what kind of person he is like now as people change, sometimes for the better or worse. And then if he's not totally evil or anything I'd tell him. That way he would have the choice about whether he wants to be a part of Han's life in any way.
Edited by kebakat
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nikkitheknitter
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Posted: 11 April 2008 at 4:05pm |
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nikkitheknitter
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Posted: 11 April 2008 at 4:06pm |
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I should mention that I don't even think he knows who I am. So even if he is a nice guy (which I highly doubt) then I'm pretty sure hearing from a random girl that you potentially have a 3 year old is enough to turn anyone nasty.
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caraMel
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Posted: 11 April 2008 at 4:08pm |
Is he a good guy? Do you think he would be at all interested in being involved to any degree, with Hannah?
If you got in touch, would you be very upset if he wasn't interested in knowing her?
I'm certainly not qualified to give you any advice here chicky, (so please do ignore me if I'm spouting cr@p) but I think the most important thing is protecting you and Hannah emotionally. If he was a bit of a b@stard or was totally against the idea of being a dad to Han before, maybe it would be best to let it go.
If you think he'd be glad to hear from you about her and interested in getting to know her (and then maintaining whatever relationship he chooses to have) then it can't hurt to make contact and find out.
It might make your life easier in the future, when she starts asking questions, if you can find out where he stands now, but if it feels to scary and hard at the moment holding onto his details for possible future use wouldn't be wrong either.
 to you, cos it must be doing your head in thinking about it all.
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nikkitheknitter
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Posted: 11 April 2008 at 4:11pm |
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caraMel
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Posted: 11 April 2008 at 4:12pm |
Ah bugger, I'm behind the time.
Maybe just this part applies now...
 caraMel wrote:
If you got in touch, would you be very upset if he wasn't interested in knowing her?
I'm certainly not qualified to give you any advice here chicky, (so please do ignore me if I'm spouting cr@p)
And this part:
It might make your life easier in the future, when she starts asking questions, if you can find out where he stands now, but if it feels to scary and hard at the moment holding onto his details for possible future use wouldn't be wrong either.
to you, cos it must be doing your head in thinking about it all. |
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lizzle
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Posted: 11 April 2008 at 4:12pm |
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Do it. When hannah asks about her dad, and she will, you can say you did everything you could. if he turns nasty, then you walk away, but you walk away knowing you did the right thing. It could turn out icky, and it could turn out great. But if it's icky, it's icky for sa wee while and only for you (and we will be here to support you). if it turns out great, hannah will really benefit and so will you (and we can support you then too)
Big hugs Bub!
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nikkitheknitter
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Posted: 11 April 2008 at 4:14pm |
The other stupid thing is that if I was wrong the first time then I could definitely be wrong a second time. 
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.Mel
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Posted: 11 April 2008 at 4:15pm |
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Sorry but I'm on the let it go side of things. Do you want or need the disruption in your life right now? I could be completely wrong though as I don't know your full story.
In my case:
I haven't heard a thing from Conors father since he was 6mths old. So I'm inclined to keep it that way, Conor has had enough disruption to his life. BUT we have told Conor and we will leave it up to him, we have told him that we will help him find him when and if he wants us to.
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nikkitheknitter
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Posted: 11 April 2008 at 4:19pm |
I don't know if I want anything to do with him.
I guess the only reason that I would contact him is that I feel really mean that he has a kid out there (I think  ) that he doesn't know about.
It's a purely moral thing as some people think he has the right to know and others think that Hannah is the most important (which I am inclined to agree with) - but I don't know if it would change anything practically in our lives... I hardly think he's gonna run round being super dad... but it may assuage the guilt I feel.
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miss
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Posted: 11 April 2008 at 4:22pm |
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I think that in the future, no matter what is said and done, Hannah will want to know about her father, even if it is only medical history (becoming more and more imprtant as genetics plays a massive part in life).
So making contact and letting him know about this can be done from the health angle, if you are worried that he will freak out about it.
I dont know anything of your relationship with this guy, if he knew you were pregnant or not, but I think it is worth letting him know who you are and who Hannah is through FB, with the definate message that you have no expectations or demands that you want to make of him, you are letting him know becasue it doesn't seem fair not to and you know that in the future you daughter will have questions about her father, it would be nice to be able to answer some of them, especially the health related ones.
Hard place to be in right now though.
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AliaDawn
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Posted: 11 April 2008 at 4:23pm |
Have you considered that the Jess person might have already told him?? 
ETA: Just might not be as much of a shock as you think if he's heard about it from that years ago!
Edited by AliaDawn
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nikkitheknitter
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Posted: 11 April 2008 at 4:28pm |
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Alia - I didn't mention anything about why I was looking for him. Just that I was. There is a lost and found page and heaps of people are looking for names so it isn't out of the ordinary.
He won't make any connections from the name as he didn't know I was pregnant.. or who I was for that matter!
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nikkitheknitter
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Posted: 11 April 2008 at 4:30pm |
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Thanks for everyone else's messages too.
I think I might talk it over with Tobin as well before I make any decisions.
I can't access his profiles on bebo (yeah, stalked him there too) or facebook until I have made him a friend but from what I have seen in the previews, he hasn't changed a bit! haha Still acting like an arrogant jerk.
I am leaning toward perhaps breaking the news to him though.
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nikkitheknitter
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Posted: 11 April 2008 at 4:30pm |
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And then I can stop having nightmares about bumping into him in the street... 3 years of that is more than enough!
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miss
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Posted: 11 April 2008 at 4:34pm |
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In that case then Nikki, I reckon making contact and saying that he may have fathered a child and you wanted to let him know this so that you could find out for Hannahs sake (and the rest of what i said) is what I think I would do.
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miss
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Posted: 11 April 2008 at 4:36pm |
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Like I said - hard though! Mind you, at the end of it all you got the lovely Hannah and if he is a jerk then at least you know that you have done what you thought you should.
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AliaDawn
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Posted: 11 April 2008 at 4:37pm |
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He does sound like a bit of a drop-kick... maybe contact him saying you think he may be her father, you would like him to do a paternity test (Make sure you add that you aren't just out for child support, that you don't need it!) and you are trying to find out for medical history reasons, then if he's keen on meeting her/finding out more about her. Then if he's not, I'd leave it till she's older and asks. Maybe he'll mature over the years.
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Contact Han’s Dad?
