Just wanted an opinion

Fay was born 5 weeks early, five weeks ago, she is now a sweet wee girl who is generally happy and sociable. We have battled with breast feeding sinece day one and I just wanted to hear from anyone with similar experiences before I make a decision that I really don't want to make, but will hopefully keep my sanity.
Fay spent nearly 2 weeks on neonates as she had no sucking reflexes (these dont develop until 36 weeks gestation), during that time she was fed through a NG tube into her stomach and we attempted to breast feed. I never experienced any engorgment and my milk definitely did not come in in the normal time. I have been on medication for about 4 weeks to help bring my milk production on, but even now it will always need supplementing with formula. I am still expressing every four to five hours and using that as a top up for her next feed. This means a total feed and change routine can take 1.5 hours, with a 20 nminute attempt to breast feed, bottle top up and then expressing. Breast feeding the whole time has been a battle, she screams the whole time and it's a battle to latch and I sob my heart out cos she seems to hate it so much. I had been told by various ex[perts that it was due to my flat nipples, lack of milk volume and now having seen the Plunket nurse at our local family centre, it now appears that it is Fay not holding her tongue down during the latching that could be the problem. I so want to give it up at this point, but there is no going back if I do, and I don't want to make a decision when I am so tired and stressed. So my plan for today is to continue expressing, not to BF as this is the cause of the stress for both of us, and to try her on purely formula for 24 hours to see if this suits her. Really just lots of contingencies which means I can move back to BF if that is my decision. I am so tired of expressing at 4am, and crying and just not being able to get on enjoying my lovely girl. I dread feed times as I feel I am letting her down so much. I am so dehydrated from crying. I have good back up from my midwife and will be meeting my Plunket nurse next week, my parents are here at the moment, and my husband is great in the support dept. I have spoken to various lactation consultants and other experts.
I know this is a decision that only I can make and in my own time, but it is cathartic writing it down on here. Every one tells me that a happy mum with a formula fed baby is better than my current situation, but I so wanted to BF, it was supposed to be this natural bonding experience and it just never seems that this is going to happen.
sorry bit of a long one, as I say it sort of helps writing it down

I had similar issues, breastfeeding just wasn't working for me and Erin, and I was almost literally going around the bend from stress and tiredness. I did 50/50 for a while, half formula and the other half breastfeeds, but she seemed so much more settled and content on formula so we went full time at just four weeks. Sometimes I do miss it in a way, but I certainly don't regret making the change. It is definitely a hard decision and you have my support, as well as many of the other ladies here I'm sure. You can PM me if you want to as well

Edited to add: That *should* read... "... you have my support, whatever you decide to do..."

Edited by jax

Tough choice and only you can make it, but whatever you choose it will be for the benefit of your family, so good on you for looking into all the different avenues for her feeding.  If I had to give up breastfeeding, I'd miss it to be honest (well, now that it's working - I wouldn't have missed it one bit during that first month, but I was one of the lucky ones for whom the feeding problems somehow came right).  That said though, Ella takes a bottle of EBM every evening and that's the time when she makes adoring eye contact and all that stuff.  On the breast she either has her eyes shut, or stares straight at my arm!  Baby will adore you for feeding her no matter how she's fed (breast or teat) or where that feed came from (you or a formula tin).  I think you've done amazingly well to hang in there so long because from what you've said, it sounds like you've had a REALLY difficult time of it, and whichever route you choose, you've not failed one bit.  Feeding issues are issues of the worst kind in my little opinion, so don't be hard on yourself, eh! 

it isnt easy to go through what you are. i didnt have jade that early but i had exactly the same issues with her, and my midwife even mentioned she seemed to have no sucking reflex or had one of a 36 week baby as opposed to a term one. anyway- i expressed and gave her formula for 6 weeks and it got too much i was also persisting with attempting to breastfeed but it didnt work out and it really got me down and in the end i made the call to switch to formula and it was the best decision. the pressure dropped on myself hugely although i felt like a failure. i didnt have anyone i could talk to about it at the time and felt like i was alone so just know you arent those first 6 weeks of jades life were such a blur- the constant expressing, cleaning, sterilising heartache at her not latching not to mention the tests done on her including a head scan among others.... its a time when we should be enjoying our new babies and looking back i feel like i missed out...

take care and look after yourself- i really do know exactly how you are feeling i really wanted to breastfeed too.

im sorry to hear its been difficult for u chick, i was one of the lucky ones who breast feeding came naturally to, but i know it doesnt for everyone.

I think what youve got to remember is that while it may not have workd out bf u gave it ur best shot and that, my dear is more than some mothers do, u are having trouble bf and its causing both u and ur daughter agony , thats not a bonding experience love, thats torture!
I think (imo) that the bonding u get from breast feeding is that theyre so close to ur body, sometimes, for example if id been drinking and i expressed id feed caitlyn with a bottle but to still get the closeness id have her against my naked breast (and no she didnt want my breast milk-she was- IS - a pig and once she had milk in her mouth she didnt care where it came from) maybe u could try that?

and while i dont know ur situation perhaps one day you'll have more babies and just cos it didnt work out with one doesnt mean it will be the same each time

i think ur very brave for coping with what is clearly a difficult situation for u, hope things work out

Redbedrock wrote: I never experienced any engorgment and my milk definitely did not come in in the normal time.

When I read your post I guess I just see one sentence I never experienced engorgement and my milk did not come in AND I needed medication and formula top ups.
I sat there on the morning before we left hospital, crying to my lovely midwife about how hard I was finding it to constantly pump with only colostum coming out. I told her that at 3am that morning when my girl was SCREAMING for a feed and I had lactaided my butt off I nearly turned to the bottle and my midwife said to me (I was trying to breastfeed/lactaid at the time): "She is fussing at the breast! You are the only one that can make the decision for her and once that decision is made it is the right decision". I put Olivia immediately on the bottle and took an expressing machine home to syphen off anything else that was coming (which nothing did). I admit when it was 2am a couple of weeks later and standing at the microwave, waiting for the formula to heat while Olivia yelled her head off in her bassinette. I regretted not struggling along and forging that bond so she could have immediate relief. But my very good friend pointed out to me, that because we don't have that same breastfeeding bond our bond is going to be stronger, or should I say our need for one another is going to be stronger and that is what is going to make us bond. I was impressed with this piece of wisdom and it is true, where her daughter chills out and happily ignores her, I am Olivia's world, she only wants me!
So wheeling back to the original beginning of this post. My opinion would be formula feed and express and then maybe give breast feeding another go when your head is in it a bit better, your boobies aren't going to dry up in a couple of days and if your expressing definitely longer!
All the best.

Awww Claire it's been such a rough month for you hasn't it. Sounds like little Fay would be happier on formula, maybe decide to make a decision in a week's time so that it's not all emotional-based?

Anyway I have a friend who can't BF (she doesn't produce enough fat in the milk and her kiddies lose weight!) but she decided to do all the formula feeding herself so she wouldn't miss out on the bonding. Just an idea.

My heart breaks for you .... you MUST MUST MUST do what is going to work for you and your baby. Only when you are happy will Fay be as happy and content as she can be. I had similar probs with c-sect, milk not coming in, flat nipples and expressed/formula for 13 long weeks and by then it wasnt even 50/50 more like 30/70 but it made me feel better knowing I had done my best and with my mw for second birth we were prepared for any b/f problems and we managed to b/f 100% past 12mths and only now is she taking cows milk, (except the past few days while sick has reverted back to mostly b/f). Your happiness and mental state is most important for you, Fay and everyone else involved as this all makes for a very stressful situation. Great take a break from b/f and even an hour or so to go for a walk or just to have some you time. I hope things settle down for you soon so you can enjoy your time with Fay. Good luck, great that you have a good support system!

Oki chick ill have a look for it

Thanx Rachel, I had an idea in my mind to review things at 8 weeks and set an ideal minimum deadline of 3 months to get the best effects of bf. The place I was in yesterday meant that another 3 weeks to get to the review date was just too much, things do seem clearer after some sleep, and I have just some time away from the house on my own, which has helped and cleared my head a bit.
I just want to enjoy Fay and not have her being a chore, at the moment feeding her is just another thing I have to do, not a lovely bonding experience