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fattartsrock 
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 Posted: 13 November 2009 at 2:36pm |
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I would just liketo state, for the record, that My Husband and I are NOT BAD PARENTS because step son went off the rails.
In fact I think we are the absolute opposite. We have spent and absolute fortune in TIME and money trying to "fix" this kid and nothing has worked. His mother kicked him out of her home a year ago for the same reasons we have now asked him to go.
I hate to breakit to you perfect parents whos children won't rebel, some kids just do, regardless of their homes and upbringings.
WE also had strict boundires/accepted standards of behaviour in our home growing up, a bit OTT in my opinion, even now, but now I know why. 2 of us were "good kids" who did and still do, toe line, and one of us went absolutely off the rails and still is.
Sometimes its just the make up of the child.
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The Honest Un PC Parent of 2, usually stuck in the naughty corner! :P
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Babe
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Location: New Zealand
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Posted: 13 November 2009 at 3:23pm |
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If I made you feel like a bad parent with anything I said I'm really sorry hun I never thought it for a minute!!
You're right in the end kids are individuals and they will make their own decisions. I'm trying to find the best formula by which to parent in order to get the best results for my kids but there are no guarantees are there?!
Sorry you're having a difficult time with your step-son, I remember reading about it in other threads and I hope homelife settles into peace after he packs his attitude up and leaves.
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clover
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Posted: 13 November 2009 at 3:50pm |
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I'm sure nobody thinks that you are a bad parent and that nobody wanted to imply it either. I've read many of your posts on your stepson and I can honestly say that I think you did a fantastic job trying to have him live with you for as long as you did.
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Hopes
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Posted: 13 November 2009 at 4:02pm |
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Yea, I agree. Teenagers are people in their own right, and most of the responsibility for decisions they make is their own. So if he's chosing to be a stupid jerk, it's not your fault.
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caliandjack
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Posted: 13 November 2009 at 4:43pm |
 Hopes wrote:
Yea, I agree. Teenagers are people in their own right, and most of the responsibility for decisions they make is their own. So if he's chosing to be a stupid jerk, it's not your fault. |
Interesting statement how many times to do you see teenagers behaving like idiots and think 'where are the parents?'
While as a parent you might not have any control over them they're still your responsibility until they're 18.
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emz
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Posted: 13 November 2009 at 4:54pm |
Would just like to clarify for the person who said that lesbians have been more accepted than homosexuals...
Lesbians ARE homosexuals  Homosexual implies you are attracted (the sexual part) to the same (homo) sex. Just like hetero means different.
The correct terms commonly used are Lesbian (female) and Gay (male).
And fattartsrock - I think (from what I've read) you've done a fab job with that teen - he sounds like an absoluted handful and it must be hard trying to 'pick up' where someone has left off. I may not agree with you on many things (tehehe  ) but from everything I've heard you've tried with him, I agree with your dealings and your current position, and just hope it works out for the best for all of you.
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Hopes
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Posted: 13 November 2009 at 5:57pm |
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Yea, that is true, I guess Fleur. Very good point. Let me re-phrase my thoughts. I think teens tend to be classic for making bad decisions. You're half-way between being mature enough to live your own life, and still needing some guidance to make the right choices. So in that way, I think parents have a really big role in guiding the decisions you make and putting boundaries in place to ensure you don't screw things up too royally.
At the same time, when a teen does make a wrong decision, I think they need to take some ownership of that. Teens are adult enough to consider the options if they want to. So when a kid goes off the rails despite the parents best efforts, you can't blame Mum and Dad for not forcing them to do the right thing, because at that point, they're their own person, and responsible for their decisions.
Hmm.... does that make any sense?
Edited by Hopes
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fattartsrock
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Posted: 13 November 2009 at 9:35pm |
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YEp I do, Just saw a comment somehwere about a testament to good parenting or something which made me see red, as from experience I know that good parents do make bad kids. or kids who do and make bad and dumb choices. Should be no reflection on the parents at all, but people do alwsys think I wonder where the parents are etc. Have heard it time and again,not about our situaiton (well people never say that to your face) but about others in a similar situation, and I can say I haev sat on my high horse many times too sayign the same things and now I know that while you may be responsible for them, they are just a law unto themselves.
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The Honest Un PC Parent of 2, usually stuck in the naughty corner! :P
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Paws
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Posted: 13 November 2009 at 9:52pm |
I know research has shown that there is a part of the teenagers brain that does not fully develop until I believe it's early 20's. It effects decision making and judgment which is was even when we feel teens should know better they are a law unto themselves. So it's not a reflection on parents, it's pure psychology. (well ok unless you're the sort of parent who is boozing up with your 13 year old, offering them pot and discussing tactics for their next car break in with their live in girlfriend/boyfriend then MAYBE we could blame the parents just a little.  )
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LittleBug
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Posted: 13 November 2009 at 10:02pm |
I don't think anyone was implying you are a bad parent fattartsrock!! I sure wasn't. You can do everything that you can to be the best parent that you can, but in the end it isn't just up to you. You can only do your best. I hope you didn't think that I was getting at you when I said that I want to be the best parent that I can... I mean, I DO want to be the best parent that I can but I understand that in the end it's your children's decisions that will shape the person they become.
It sounds to me like you have probably made the right decision, kicking him out, so that he doesn't have a bad influence on the rest of your family. It must be sooo tough dealing with any teenager, let alone one that has been blatantly abusing his rights in your house.  I think you deserve a medal to be honest.
I always feel for parents whose kids end up on the news for something, say drink driving, and people blame the parents for "not raising them right". In the end, you don't know what the influence was that got them that way... school, movies, society in general... there are so many things that influence your child these days. The parents could have been perfect and it may not have mattered, yet they will always get pointed at, because it's easier to have someone to blame.
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Chloe (4 years) and Oliver (3 years).
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Babe
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Posted: 14 November 2009 at 9:03am |
Oh that was me I think - I said I went off the rails abit but there were lines I just couldn't bring myself to cross no matter how self-destructive I was feeling. I've ended up fairly sorted now and am using alot of my parents principles in my life even though my life is totally different to theirs.
I do think thats a mark of good parenting fattartsrock but not the only mark by any means and like Paws said teenagers are stupid for a long time. You may find in 10 years that your stepson has actually settled down like I did and shockingly enough is using some of the principles you and DH taught him. It took me 9 years of some very bad decisions to get to this point
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flakesitchyfeet
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Posted: 14 November 2009 at 10:08am |
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Took my brother 6 months. He was booted out after nurmerous incidents with disrespect/booze/boy racing. Mum did every possible thing she could to get him back on track, however with Mum and Dad in seperate homes it wasn't hard for him to do /get what he wanted anyway. Mum worked with a cop liason as support, and in the end couldn't do it any more. Broke her heart making him leave, but turns out it was the best thing for him.
Long story short, him and mum now get on much better but she wont take any resposibility for him now anyway, in the sense that he's on his own, now he's 18. He found himself a flat and job, he had to then, is paying off his fines and paying his bills. Because he was forced to take some responsibilty, he grew up.
Edited by Flake
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