Feeling unmaternal

Number one was unplanned, I was in a terrible, violent situation, was sick from week 3 (hyperemesis) and my pregnancy was very very badly managed but he was mine from the time i realised it was really gonna happen. We have a mega-huge bond even now and its sometimes really difficult to share him.

Number two was thoroughly planned, I'm in a fabulous relationship, it was something I wanted desperately then I got the BFP and promptly tried to book an abortion I've spent the majority of the last 18 weeks feeling trapped, like I have DPs spawn taking over my body, and various other yucky feelings like that. It was a huge suprise feeling that way.

Hormones and feelings aren't also what we expect them to be and if its not what we perceive as 'the norm' then it makes us feel worse but its more common than people let on I think. I've suddenly gotten happy about this pregnancy specially now its kicking and stuff but the bond I had with Jake certainly isn't there. I'm not worried though coz I figure that won't help. It'll sort itself out

Bobbie wrote: ETA: Zasha your case sounds a bit more extreme Have you talked to your Doc/LMC about how you're feeling?

Yep I've talked to both my doctor and the midwife about the way I'm feeling, and I've since talked to several of the people that they have suggested, (some of them even suggested this web site) I've spent some time with mothers and babies, problem is I just can't seem to relate to the little babies, although once they grow up a bit and  reach a couple years old, I don't seem to have issues with them. 

Talking with some of the mothers has been interesting as some of them felt very similar to the way I do, but once the baby was born things changed dramatically for them and none of them had any regrets and they have all seemed to turn out to be good mums. The way I'm currently feeling I could quite easily give it up for adoption ( if my partner would let me), I just feel as though I'm trapped with no way out, and have to make so many sacrafices for something that I never ever wanted. I just feel as though I don't have anything to offer it once it's here.

Bahaha you can have my toddler for abit if you like?!!! Be warned you have to watch him 24/7 (no joke) otherwise you'll turn around and he'll have emptied the fireplace onto the lounge rug, locked the dog in the toilet after riding it down the hallway, forcefed the lamb, taken all the dvds out of their cases and tried to put them in the dvd player, removed his nappy and peed right next to the potty in an attempt to pee standing up like dad, filled a cup to overflowing with straight cordial then dribbled the sticky mess EVERYWHERE, filled all daddys shoes with his cars and various other things (ranging from ok to extremely disgusting!!), found the sharpest knife in the kitchen and mutilated the luncheon that he got out of the fridge and he'll have his hands in the peanut butter jar looking cherubic!! There are always challenges when you have kids and yeah there are ages you enjoy more but every age has its challenges.

In saying that I want to reassure you Zasha - you can still have the things you want when you have kids. A good babysitter, a flexible routine and abit more pre-planning and you can travel, go out with your DP, play extreme sports, etc while being a mum. The only thing (other than the practical essentials) that your baby will need when it arrrives is for you to care about it. It may not be an all-consuming adoring love straight away but making sure you cuddle him or her (proven to boost a babys immune system and give it a better start in life) and be kind to baby and yourself (don't expect too much of yourself) you'll get through. **hugs**

I was aware of a baby growing in me. I carried on with life anyway - working full-time, international flights, moving country, house hunting, moving furniture, exercising 20 minutes, twice a day, 6 days a week (At least). When my daughter was born, I didn't get to hold her. They flew her to another city without me. It was like it was somebody else's baby. Looking at her in the incubator, she was tiny, and fragile, but she didn't feel like "mine". To be honest, I felt really detached. For months. I even thought she didn't like me - like I was just the milk bar. But love grows. And she is my world now! Nothing makes me happier then her smile, and I love holding her against me while she sleeps. She is my treasure, and I am so lucky we are both still here. It took ages for me to bond with her, but all the hard times were worth it. Give it time, focus on being pregnant and having a new baby as a "job" - going through the motions is enough. It takes time to fall truly in love with another human being - sometimes even your own child.

Hugs hun xox you don't havta breastfeed if you don't want - I haven't made up my mind yet either I don't really like sharing my body like that.
Maybe you could look into part-time care for bubs? Just knowing that baby was going somewhere else for a couple of mornings a week might help?
Don't let yourself be pressured by other peoples expectations. Breast isn't always best, being a SAHM isn't always best, and like Flutterby said - falling in love with someone else, even your own child can take time so do your best not to worry. Theres nothing wrong with you feeling the way you do - there are heaps of other people out there who've been through the same struggles. You'll do just fine hun give yourself some room and remember that just cause society in general is into the whole BFing, SAHMing, lovey dovey parenting thing ATM doesn't mean its right for everyone just cross each bridge as you come to it don't freak out before its an issue.

I don't know if anyone still reads this thread, but I just wanted to say that it rings so many bells for me it's not funny. I actually had this thread referred to me after I stated on somewhere else - http://www.ohbaby.co.nz/Forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=33603&PN=1&TPN=1

My wife is going through something very similar to what Zasha is describing, and I can certainly relate to most of what everyone here is posting.

We planned the pregnancy, but it's been a nightmare from about 6-8 weeks onwards.   We're now at 24 weeks, and she feels nothing towards the child, in fact she feels negatively towards it and resents how much it's cost her to date and what it's going to cost her in the future. She sees nothing positive about being a parent and flinches at the idea of being called a mum.

It feels like the biggest mistake she's ever made and despite naming the child she doesn't feel anything possiitve towards it.

Ongoing morning sickness, weight gain (she's always been very weight concious), restricted lifestyle, diet and reduced income all couple with the prospect of PDN, the horrors of a bad delivery and the post birth recovery have her hating the thing within her.

Zasha, she too see's it as a parasite that takes what it wants with no regard for her, and the idea that she should love something like that and is expected to want to devote her life to it makes her both angry and frustrated.

She likes her pre-pregnancy life and doesn't want to suddenly have to be a slave to a baby, or feel that she should be. We plan on using day care pretty early on, and my focus will be on supporting her in getting herself sorted post birth. I think this is the best thing I can do for her, she needs to be happy with herself again i think, before she has any chance of bonding with the baby. perhaps she'll bond with the baby somewhere down the track, but it's tough to see that happening from where we're sitting now.

anyway, she's been feeling like she's completely alone and no-one else can understand how she feels, so reading some of the comments on here is like music to my ears, and hers. Just knowing that she's not the only one who feels like this is helpful.

Thanks to everyone who's posted here or on my thread, and if you know anyone who's had similar experiences please encourage them to post on one of the threads. Ideally I'd like to get one of them stickied by a mod so they are easy to find for new members as threads like this are just so important I think.

I too am feeling really guilty as I have been wanting a baby for so long, but now that I am pregnant am hating every minute of it. But then as weird as it is the thought of losing the baby petrifies me and I dont know how I would cope.