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Kels 
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Location: Lower Hutt
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 Posted: 23 November 2007 at 10:14pm |
I totally agree with Jack&charlie and Leish.
If that concerned please consult the person first for the full facts
I am still shocked at the fact that they had your posts
Big hugs Kandice
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Busy mum to Miss 15yrs, Miss 10yrs and Master 4yrs
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FionaS
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Posted: 23 November 2007 at 11:38pm |
 Leish wrote:
jack_&_charli wrote:
they could've approached you first about how worried they were and how they were feeling about your situation before they went calling the authorities!!!!
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Thank you!! I've been trying to write a post to this effect for the last half hour but couldn't make it sound right  I would have appreciated if someone was so worried about my situation that they would have told me before going to CYFS about it.
I totally agree.
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Jennz
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Location: Wellington
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Posted: 24 November 2007 at 12:06am |
I can see both sides of this. I totally understand that you feel betrayed, although this is a public place it does have an intimate feeling. It is easy to forget that anyone can read these posts and do with them what they will! Its a shame that people may now not feel comfortable to say some things but it is probably a bit of a reminder to us all about watching what we say.
I can also see why someone was concerned enough to want to take action. I know you say that the relationship isn't violent but it was very apparent to me that it is only a matter of time before it is if you guys don't get some serious help. Its an extremely abusive relationship- just because you aren't being hit doesn't mean the damage is any less. Kylah may be young but she will already be picking up on these vibes.
I think there a 2 positive things you can take out of this. Someone cared enough to do something. It may not have been the best way to go about it (I agree that they should have talked to you first) but someone out there is thinking solely of Kylah and her well being. Plus you also now have access to some help. Why not make the most of a bad situation?
I can't imagine what you must be going through- that would be an absolutely terrifying situation to be in 
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BuzzyBee
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Posted: 24 November 2007 at 12:48am |
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Wow im totally astounded at what I just read, I haven't been following your original posts KylahsMum (Sorry if spelling is wrong there) ...Have only just started posting on this site and now reading these 4 pages of this thread has kinda put me off i must admit!
Internet is never safe, ya never know who you are speaking with or what their intentions are. I think this incident (well at least for me reading this thread) has made me realise this! Argh!
You poor thing, good luck, from the sounds of it you are a GREAT Mum ...I can't comment on your relationship or partner, all I got out of this thread was something about taking down pants? ....That part was enough to make my blood boil. But as it stands I am anti-male at present so I won't comment.
Just remember at the end of the day the safety and wellbeing of both you and your child are whats most important. And if your partner ever compromises that, then you have to rethink your situation and do whats best for the both of you.
Good luck with everything and im extremely sorry to hear about whats happened.
Eeek not sure if I want to continue posting now. Bubs father could be watching this site to read about his son and I'd have no idea. (okay sounds very insignificant in comparison to whats going on here) ...but so true. We don't know who is reading this!!!!
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Bizzy
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Posted: 24 November 2007 at 8:39am |
well i shouldnt but i will...
i agree with BSDH's first post.... (may that be the last time i ever say that!!!
i dont think - just a gut feeling - that it was anyone from the boards who complained. anyone can read this and print it out or do anything they want with it. For all we know CYFs regularly read the boards - along with other parenting sites - to check the wellbeing of our kids.
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cuppatea
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Posted: 24 November 2007 at 8:50am |
GandT wrote:
i dont think - just a gut feeling - that it was anyone from the boards who complained. anyone can read this and print it out or do anything they want with it. For all we know CYFs regularly read the boards - along with other parenting sites - to check the wellbeing of our kids.
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That's exactly what my DH said. Makes sense that they would check these places.
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ElfsMum
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Posted: 24 November 2007 at 9:21am |
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yes and no ..makes sense they would check them but how..unless they have read every post do they not take things out of context?
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Paws
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Posted: 24 November 2007 at 9:24am |
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That really sucks that this has happened. I hadn't checked in here so only just found out.
I see both sides as well....I do get that this is a public forum etc etc etc...but as someone who has also had posts quoted back to others by someone who is not a memeber it is sodding creepy! (thankfully nothing as serious as your situation but creepy none the less).
I totally understand that OB has an obligation to report in instances where it is necessary but it would be nice to make the site at least secure enough to stop lurkers.
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Andie
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Posted: 24 November 2007 at 9:35am |
Erm, I can't imagine anyone being paid to read through all these message boards in search of more work for CYFS to do - they're already overloaded and chronically understaffed, it's not like they're out looking for more work, the work comes to them. That said, I could be wrong, but I sure don't remember anyone having that job there!
Maybe the air could be cleared if the person who made the notification contacted Kandice privately and fessed up to it? Then they could explain their thinking on why they called CYFS, and maybe that could help the situation?
For future reference guys, if you're ever worried enough about a child to make a notification, it really does run a heck of a lot smoother if you talk to the parents first - even if you still decide to go ahead and notify, at least they won't have the added stress of suspecting everyone they know. They might hate you for it, they might thank you for it later, who knows? But if you really do feel that you're doing the right thing for a child, what does it matter if someone hates you for that? It's still less awkward than them suspecting you all along! IMO, the only reason to make an anonymous notification is if you genuinely fear for your family's safety if the person knew if was you - and that's pretty rare, especially for people who know each-other via a message board! More often we just fear the confrontation.
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my2angels
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Posted: 24 November 2007 at 10:02am |
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Cant they put filters in place where they just check for key words or something (well thats what they do on the movies anyway!) could have been picked up that way.
And just for the record I do get what BSDH said and agree, I just dont like the way it was said.
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Aprilfools
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Posted: 24 November 2007 at 10:41am |
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I get what BSDH said too and agree but yes the way it was said was a bit more than not mincing words. Some of us just want to offer support to someone who's having a bad patch.
Yes 'they' can and do put filters on the internet that search for key things but whether or not that has happened in this case...... who knows. The internet is not a private place.
I can understand people being upset at authorities being contacted but I also wouldn't want to discourage a person from speaking up if they are concerned and see a need for someone to step in. Too many things go ignored until the worst case scenario happens. Not implying that would have been the case this time but it is better to over react and find everything is okay than to just leave things and find out too late that they actually weren't okay.
Some people will address these things from an anonymous perspective and some will do it face to face. These choices are available because at the end of the day all that matters is the safety and positive outcome of those involved.
I think this is probably a very hard time for Kylahsmum and her DF but regardless of how it came about I genuinely want to wish them the best and hope that one way or another they sort the issues they have and move on to happier times.
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Paws
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Posted: 24 November 2007 at 10:49am |
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I think what is possibly more upsetting is that IF it was a forum member they did not approach Kylahsmum privately first.
I agree that hopefully this can be sorted and there will be a positive outcome!
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11111
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Posted: 24 November 2007 at 12:30pm |
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yet another reminder of why we all need to be so darn careful with what is said. I was thinkign about writting a post's about smacking, but quickly changing my mind. I think what has happen is awful. Hmmmm Me think I might be a littel more careful in future too many people know me.
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Rachael21
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Posted: 24 November 2007 at 1:10pm |
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I dont even think her posts warant calling cfys anyway. Kandice sounds like shes working out her problems and they had nothing to do with Kylah. Its some peoples attitudes on this forum that have made me find a different one where peopl are a bit more understanding. I'm not just talking about this subject either. Obviously someone has too much time on their hands.
I hope the person that did it feels really stupid, i bet we could all find something they aren't doing right.
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Peace
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Posted: 24 November 2007 at 1:32pm |
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What a scary thing to have happen and even worse is the effects of one person doing this is not confined to yourself it will be ringing around the forum: "We have a snitch amongst us".
I am very aware of what I write and you have just given me another good reason to tone down posting.
What a crap thing to do to someone!
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Mazzy
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Posted: 24 November 2007 at 2:08pm |
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I can see both sides on this. Kandice, I'm really sorry this has happened to you, it must feel horrible and a betrayal of trust in an online community that shares so much. I hope the end result is a positive one for you and your family (in the long term - because I know it doesn't feel so good now).
However, I also agree that this is a public forum, anyone could have read the post and then searched for your other posts from earlier etc. It's open to everyone, and I don't necessarily think it was a forum member. If it was, I'm sure they acted out of concern for you and your family, and are probably feeling quite stink right now. Hopefully they will contact you privately to let you know what happened and why.
In a more general sense, this is the internet, it's not private. I know it's a community and it can be hard to remember when we have such great conversations and share so much, but whatever we post here is open for public viewing. I agree that it is everyone's personal responsibility to protect our own privacy here (Kandice, that's a general statement, not aimed at you - I know I've posted stuff before and regretted it later too).
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Lissy
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Posted: 24 November 2007 at 8:31pm |
Hey Kandice, Just wanted to check up and make sure you were ok after we talked. We are there for you, but just pm, or ring us if you need to talk.
Thinking of you - remember you are a GOOD mum and you are a GOOD person.
xxxx
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susieq
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Posted: 26 November 2007 at 11:06am |
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Yes Kandice don't forget you are a good mum , your baby is a little cutie too big hugs
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Could it get any worse..
