How do I tell Sam’s father?

Renee, I don't think he can stop you moving in with your new man. He can try and make it difficult for you in the same way as he is now with threats etc, but overall you have custody of Sam and can do what is best for you both.

I say good on you for wanting to move on with your life - it sounds like he isn't able to move on with his which is sad for him.

Anyway just wanted to give you some big hugs and let you know that you are doing the right thing

He's just being a selfish, jealous jerk by the sounds of it. He can't stop you moving on with your life and you have always been Sam's primary caregiver (and have done a great job as well) so even if he did follow through on his threat - what court would award custody to the father when the mother has proved to be more than capable.

I'm really happy for you that you've found a new man. I know it must be hard to stick up to your ex, but I think you should do what feels right for you and Sam. Best of luck breaking the news

Edited to fix my bad England...

Edited by Brenna

My personal opinion - get the child care for Sam put in place legally (and a protection order for the harassment, if you can), and don't tell Sam's father about the new child. What business is it of his anyway?

I would say the same also.

When you do tell him, leave it til later on otherwise it sounds like he will call all hours and make your life hell (which you don't need early on in your preg)

It could also cause a bit of strife with your new partner seeing you upset also and as you and his unborn child is priority it could cause conflict between the two males and turn out even worse than it needs to be.

He is not with you anymore and doesnt have a say on who you are with or what you do with your new partner. So unfair he is trying to manipulate you.

*Edited for poor grammer

Edited by JoleneandJustin

You don't have to tell your ex-partner anything. Its none of his business, if you haven't already to get a restraining order in place, and seek direction through the courts for visitation rights.

Will your new partner adopt Sam?
What is your ex like around Sam, you can ask for his visits to be supervised.

Go for it. He doesn't need to know that you are pg again or that your new address is actually your partner's - it could be a flatmate for all he needs to know. As far as legalities go, he can't get the Court to stop you relocating within NZ unless it was the case that you moving from Hamilton would hinder his opportunity to have contact with Sam. Obviously he is just as far from Hamilton as Auckland so no prob there. I doubt he would do anything about pot-smoking (he sounds all threats) but that's something you should get legal advice on if and when it comes up. You could go ahead and do that now, before you move, and then I suspect you'll still be eligible for legal aid.

First of all Congratulations on your pregnancy!

I aggree with what the other wise ladies have said Id deffinatly get some advice from citizens advice having some formal custody arrangements in place would be an advantage as then you know exactly where you stand and his idol threats would no longer be a stress for you.

Definatly start keeping copies of texts letters emails etc as it wil also help you if he dose try to make your life difficult re custody.

All the best with your pregnancy and i hope things work out for you. Ex's can be so nasty but he has no right to try and control you! Your more than entitiled to move on and have a happy time with sam and your new man and bubby. So good to hear your new man is wonderfull you deserve it

Thank you every one for your kind words and advice and support.

I haven't got any formal custody arrangements in place for Sam as yet (But am getting on to it real soon) as because the ex is in Australia, and while I was on my own I didn't need to like I do now.   He is back every three months or so and demands to spend as much time as Sam as possible, and while I don't have a problem with him seeing his son, I would like to have more control over the situation and make sure that it is convenient and doesn't disrupt Sams routine or life too much.

To be honest it makes me sad to see him with his son as Sam doesn't remember who he is and the interaction feels so fake to me.   He doesn't make the effort to get to know him or play with him, it seems awkward, uncomfortable and half-assed.   With my new partner though it's the total opposite and he treats Sam like his own and is a total natural and Sam is forming a great bond with him which is so nice to see now as Sam has missed out on a strong male role model in his life thus far.

As it stands, my ex does know I am seeing somebody, but I refuse to tell him anything because he misconstrues everything I say and it's just not worth my effort to keep up with his astronomical expectations of me. (He would like me to be 100% on my own awaiting his return every three-four months looking stunningly beautiful having an impeccably tidy home and ready to play happy families for a week, and I wouldn't be allowed to speak out of turn or see my family or breathe the wrong way just incase he felt the need to throw a tantrum).     

I don't know where I found that man but it's taken me a good three years to shake him off and even from over there he thinks he can control my life and what I do.

I am a good mum, Sam means everything to me there is nothing I wouldn't do to make sure he is happy and healthy and loved.

I think I will wait a while to tell him about the pregnancy, although I feel quite ill I want to enjoy it for as long as I can before he inevitably tries to ruin it for me.

Thanks again everyone, I have some research to do in regards to making sure he doesn't come over next time and throw his weight around and expect me to bend over and do his bidding!

Hi, congratulations on the new baby.

I've been there done this too. Get the custody stuff sorted once and for all. That way his stupid threats mean jack and you know 100% where you stand.

Even if he did tell the police about your friend who occasionally smokes pot I doubt it would be high on their list of priorities unless your friend was a big time drug dealer or something. And all of it would have absolutely no bearing on you anyway.

If hes going to be abusive tell him you refuse to communicate with him unless he can be civil. That includes the emails and photos. You do not deserve that sort of treatment and its totally unacceptable.

As for moving and the new baby. You may choose to tell him you've moved to Auckland. But as far as anything else is concerned its NONE OF HIS BUSINESS. His tie is to his son, not to you.

Sorry if I sound harsh, but manipulative, abusive men annoy the crap outta me!

Good luck with everything, sounds like you've found a great guy now.

Thank you Peace, it's good for an objective person to reiterate to me exactly how crazy he appears to be (he really is)

Just on a side note, my partner doesn't smoke pot, a friend of mine who I don't see very often does and never does around me or Sam. My ex knew about it and I was told never to see this friend again.

My partner and I are making sure everything is in place before we move in together to stop him from trying to ruin it all.