The power of listening
When your child talks to you, do you take the time
to stop and listen, or are you too busy doing other things to
really hear what they're trying to communicate to you? Liz Donnelly
explains how to listen with your heart as well as your
ears.
There's an easy way to make your child feel cherished.
Listen to them. Listening helps a child build self-esteem, a sense
of belonging, and is part of their journey towards finding a place
in the world. This process starts earlier than you might imagine.
Every child needs to know they matter, and that the people closest
to them believe in their two cents' worth. An adult listening sends
the child a clear message of love and acceptance.
The International Listening Association
defines listening as "the process of receiving, constructing
meaning from, and responding to, messages." Listening is a two-way
street and takes place on many levels. Stop what you're doing,
position yourself at the child's height, look them in the eye, and
really absorb what they're saying. We sometimes tend to forget that
listening is an active process that we control. It's in our facial
expression, posture, and the words we choose to respond with. A
good listener doesn't need great hearing. While "hearing" is the
receiving of sounds, "listening" is putting meaning on those
sounds. A good listener sits still, makes eye contact, gives their
full attention, responds by nodding, respects silences, keeps an
open mind and doesn't track the time.
Listen with your ears. This tells the
child, "I hear you." Next, listen with your eyes ("I see you"), and
thirdly, use your mind ("I understand you"). Add these together and
it means you're listening with your heart. This sends a powerful
message to the child: "I am with you." Real communication based on
these principles is the speediest way to create successful
relationships.
In comparison, if we interrupt, multitask
during a conversation, constantly shift positions, change the
subject, think of a response before the sentence has finished, take
offence, tell the child what to do instead of asking questions, or
try to fix the problem, it sends clear signals to a child that
we're not listening. Registered Psychologist Aurelia Escoto-Kemp
advises, "Sometimes it's best to keep quiet. Allow space for
silence. When your child tells you about an unpleasant incident, it
is a natural reaction to want to jump in and offer solutions and
opinions. If your child is upset, however, they may just want their
feelings acknowledged and validated rather than face a barrage of
'You should have...' or 'Maybe if you had...'. the best response
then would be to acknowledge and validate their feelings with a
statement such as, 'You are upset about what happened. I would be,
too' followed by silence. The silence provides a platform for your
child to independently work through the issues and to problem-solve
and make decisions. Your child is then more likely to feel as
though they have been listened to and heard."
Active listening involves paraphrasing and
repeating back what has been said. This clarifies you've heard and
understood correctly. It takes practice to get right but pays
dividends, because the conversation then becomes more meaningful
for both parties.
Aurelia Escoto-Kemp also says, "Children
who are confident, articulate, and converse easily and openly are
usually those who hold regular and meaningful conversations with
their parents or other significant adults in their lives (such as
grandparents). They are able to express their opinions and feelings
about a particular topic and then listen and consider the opinions
and feelings of their conversation partner (even when these are
different to theirs)." Some children are natural auditory learners;
they take in information best through their ears. Others find it
more challenging. But all need help developing their listening
skills. The ability to listen is an essential life skill and the
bumpy ride will be a little smoother as they grow. The ability to
listen will help them make friends easily and absorb information
faster.
Listening is a valuable craft to be learned
and taught. There are many steps you can take as a parent to
reinforce the development of good listening skills in your child.
Setting a good example is an obvious starting point. I found this
step a challenge. Once I became aware of the mechanics of active
listening I realised I was guilty of switching off during
conversations. My canny son helped rectify this - he was able to
spot my wandering mind a mile off! The key is to be fully present
in the moment alongside your child. Clear your mind of the clutter
and focus on the little one trying to talk to you. This means
temporarily forgetting the "to do" list or the tantrum they had
five minutes ago.
Having an unhurried conversation helps a
child's listening skills. It only takes a few minutes for an adult
to boost a child's self esteem or get a worry off their chest.
During these conversations, remove common distractions such as TV.
Use open-ended phrases such as "tell me about…" or "tell me more"
and let the child steer the conversation. It helps to sit upright
and face each other. A weekly family conference around the table
can be of great benefit because every member of the household can
walk away feeling heard.
Talking with your child is not only fun, it
really does matter. Talk about life - your philosophy, extended
family, household routines, anything. I've found that the morning
dropoff became a treat rather than a stress when I implemented a
"no radio" rule. It became a great chance to have an extra ten
quality minutes with my son. He leads the conversation, is happy to
open up and tells me about most things in this relaxed environment.
It's not all about 'deep and meaningfuls', sometimes we play a
listening version of "I spy" - "I hear with my little ears" - and
he regularly stumps me. By the time we get to school we both feel
rewarded for our efforts and more centred.
When your child tries to communicate, you
can build deep trust by accepting their feelings, offering
encouragement and importantly, allowing mistakes. Adapt your
approach for different situations. Remind yourself of where the
child is at. Are you there with them or are you expecting an adult
conversation? Young children don't respond well to pressure and if
they are worried about getting it wrong they tend to freeze. Be
sensitive to the child's rate of responding too. Young children
need more time to make sense of spoken words than adults do and
being impatient can be damaging. The best learning happens through
play. Go on a listening walk and find sounds all around you. Play a
beginner's level hide-and-seek game (clap or make noise to reveal
where you're hiding). When your children are older, teach them how
to play Simon Says.
Share stories, fears, tears, and smiles
with your child. Tell them you're proud of them and the fact they
are working hard to make sense of the world. Understand their point
of view, even if you disagree with it. Through this process the
child can feel confident in themselves and their thoughts. One day
they'll be making decisions that affect their lives without our
help. So help them on their journey by listening with all your
heart.
Liz Donnelly is a Children's Media Specialist and the
founder of the eardrops Company
(www.eardrops.co.nz). She is Mum
to Tom (8) and Kaya (1). Aurelia Escoto-Kemp is a registered
Psychologist who practices within the area of educational and
developmental Psychology.
As seen in OHbaby!
magazine Issue 5: 2009
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