Being a dad in the 21st century

First time father and educator, Logan Donnelly shares his perspective on what it's like being a dad in the 21st century. 

When you announce you're becoming a parent, you're likely to hear an onslaught of clichés like “Better stock up on coffee” or “Say goodbye to your free time.” This flood of ‘well-intentioned’ yet often unhelpful advice paints a picture of the impending sleep-deprived chaos you’re about to experience. While these clichés focus on the superficial aspects of parenthood, they often overshadow a more profound and less discussed change: the deep, often silent shifts in communication and emotional closeness between partners.

THE FIVE MOST COMMON CONFLICTS IN NEW PARENTS

+  Different parenting styles: During a 3am feeding, you prefer cuddling the baby to sleep, but your partner insists on putting the baby down to promote self-soothing. The clash unsettles everyone, leaving the baby fussy and both of you frazzled.

+  Financial strain: Upon finding baby bottles that reduce colic, you're ready to purchase them, but your partner balks at the cost, calling it unnecessary. The late-night debate over the cost of colic-reducing baby bottles ends with no purchase, leaving you feeling defeated and resentful, while your partner feels consumed by financial stress.

+  Unequal chore sharing: After a week of balancing work and nightly dinners, you are feeling spent. Yet, when you ask your partner for a sleep-in, the reply is "Do you know how tired I am?". Neither of you sleeps in and a bitter tally of unacknowledged efforts and unshared tasks begins.

+  Intimacy changes: The long-anticipated date night arrives after months, involving exhaustive planning and expectations. However, the dinner feels hollow, conversations forced, leaving you both feeling even more isolated than before.

+  Lack of personal time: The early morning hours, once reserved for your rejuvenating jogs, are now dominated by the baby's needs. When your partner insists on gym time for their own sanity, it leaves you feeling not only abandoned but also invisible and resentful. 

The early months of parenthood undoubtedly test and strain your relationship, but they also give you a unique opportunity to deepen your bonds and understanding. Recognising conflict signs early and implementing a repair framework can transform struggles into growth experiences. The aim isn’t to avoid conflict but to approach it in ways that bring you closer. Remember, you’re not facing these challenges alone – you’re confronting them together.

THE REPAIR CYCLE

Facing these common conflicts head-on requires practical, actionable strategies. That’s where ‘The Repair Cycle’ comes in. This method not only diminishes resentment and enhances communication but also supports overall relationship satisfaction. There are six key steps to this method.

❧  Spot the warning signs early: Recognise the early signs of conflict, such as rising frustration, voice pitch, or defensive body language. Acknowledging these signs is the first step in preventing a full-blown argument.

❧  Pause for perspective: Remember, timeouts aren’t exclusive to kids. If tensions rise, suggest a breather. This pause is crucial to prevent escalation and allows both partners time to cool down and reflect on their emotions. This reflection helps in understanding not just your own feelings but your partner's as well.

❧  Own your emotions: Shift the narrative from blame to personal feelings by using phrases like ‘I feel’ instead of ‘You always’. Engage in active listening, where you really hear out your partner without immediately formulating a rebuttal or defense.

❧  Bypass the blame: Pointing fingers gets you nowhere fast. Focus instead on understanding each other’s viewpoint and finding solutions. You should be able to articulate your partner's perspective.

❧  Find the middle ground: Identify shared values and areas where you both agree. Use this foundation to find a middle ground that satisfies both partners. It’s not ‘YOU’ vs ‘THEM’. It’s ‘US’ vs ‘THE PROBLEM’.

❧  Appreciate and reflect: After moving through a conflict, make it a point for both of you to express something you appreciate about each other. If this conflict arises frequently, take time to discuss strategies to mitigate it in the future. 

Logan Donnelly is a qualified teacher and educator, and the heart behind KiwiDad, passionately advocating for young families facing the challenges of parenting in the 21st century. Logan lives in Ōmokoroa with his wife Charlee and daughter Delilah.