Sex Therapist chats about sex and intimacy after baby

Therapist, educator and researcher Jo Robertson on the ups and downs of sex and intimacy postpartum.

I remember being told so many contrasting and slightly terrifying things during pregnancy, or even pre-pregnancy! “You’ll want heaps of sex in the second trimester,” “People just stop having sex when they get really big” (meaning the end of pregnancy), “You’ll be ready to have sex after six weeks,” “Make sure not to wait too long because the men are struggling.” 

With my first pregnancy I was overwhelmed by people’s statements, with my second I had a few clues about what was true and what wasn’t, by my third I could happily block people out and just tell them that wasn’t helpful. If you are in your first pregnancy particularly, then this article is for you! I want to unpack some of these messages we get from society, helping us figure out what’s myth and what’s truth. I’ve also peppered in some of my favourite quotes along the way. 

1.  “THEY NEED SEX, OR…”

Nothing makes me madder than hearing someone feel obliged to have sex because they fear their partner cheating or being angry with them for not getting physical. The idea that men are biologically wired to need sex in a way that women aren’t is outdated and harmful.

Everyone’s libido fluctuates, and external factors like hormones, stress, and exhaustion play a role. The pressure to 'get back to it' after childbirth often ignores the deep physical and emotional recovery needed.

No one should feel like they owe their body to someone else just to prevent resentment. A healthy relationship is built on mutual respect, not fear. 

This is a great time to talk about masturbation and the role it plays in your relationship. Talking about sex can be hard, but so worthwhile. If you’ve never discussed sex or self-pleasure before, this season can spark deeper communication. 

2.  “YOU'LL BE SO HORNY IN YOUR SECOND TRIMESTER”

Oestrogen steadily increases throughout pregnancy, which can lead to a boost in arousal during the second trimester, especially once HCG levels drop and early pregnancy symptoms ease up.
As the primary female sex hormone, oestrogen increases natural lubrication, heightens sensitivity, and can ramp up libido. So, there’s science behind the idea that some people experience more desire in this phase! 

You might wonder why the third trimester isn’t the peak of all this, given oestrogen keeps rising. But by then, physical discomfort often takes over, dulling any potential “hormonal horniness.” 

Speaking personally, I was sick for 25 weeks during my second pregnancy, had about 10 weeks of relief, then felt awful again for the last month before giving birth. There was zero horniness, and I hated feeling like I’d let my husband down, especially since he’d also heard about this supposed surge in desire and was probably looking forward to it! 

The reality? You might be extra in the mood during your second trimester, you might feel the same as always, or you might be completely uninterested depending on how pregnancy (and life) is treating you. The key is keeping open expectations and remembering that no one follows the exact same path. 

"Passion is the quickest to develop, and the quickest to fade.
Intimacy develops more slowly, and commitment more gradually still."

- ROBERT STERNBERG

3. “YOU'LL BE READY FOR SEX AFTER SIX WEEKS”

When a health professional says, “You can have sex after six weeks,” they’re not saying, “You will be ready,” or, “You should.” They simply mean that, for most people, the body has physically healed enough to make intimacy possible if and when you feel ready. 

And intimacy doesn’t just mean penetration. It’s the whole spectrum of connection and pleasure. In fact, I would recommend taking penetration off the table for a few months until you feel more confident. There are lots of other things to enjoy together sexually! 

There is no timeline. It’s completely normal for libido to be low after birth. Hormonal shifts, exhaustion, and the sheer demands of a newborn all come into play. Physical recovery is also a factor, with things like perineal pain, vaginal dryness, and breastfeeding discomfort making sex feel far from appealing. 

Beyond the physical, emotional and psychological factors matter just as much. Postpartum depression, anxiety, and sleep deprivation can deeply impact desire. The most important thing? Give yourself grace. There’s no “right” time to be intimate again. 

One tip: Be mindful of the voices you let into this vulnerable season. Social media, friends, and family can all shape how you feel about yourself and your recovery. Curate an environment that is supportive and judgment-free.

4.  “SORT THE BABY WEIGHT SO THEY'LL FIND YOU ATTRACTIVE AGAIN”

No one explicitly says this, but it’s so dominant in our thinking as women. If anyone does explicitly say it to you, drop them as a friend. 

Many of us assume our new postpartum body is “less” than. Less attractive, less desirable, maybe even disappointing. But I can’t tell you how many male partners of new mums I’ve spoken to who don’t care about the body changes. They’re just so keen to be close again. They revel in the female body. They love the softness of postpartum just as much as the toned body that may have been there before. 

As my Aunty Rachel once told me, “you could have pubes down to your knees, and they’d still just be so happy to have a naked woman with them.”

And something my sister-in-law said has always stuck with me too, “It’s just a body.” I find this mindset empowering. It helps me remove meaning from how my body looks. I see it as functional, not a measure of my worth.

5. “AFTER YOU HAVE KIDS, YOUR SEX LIFE WILL DIE”

It is more challenging, there’s no way around that. But it’s also more meaningful. 

Before kids, you can sleep when you need to, take care of yourself, enjoy hobbies, eat well, even take a break when life gets overwhelming. Once a baby arrives, every minute of the day is spoken for by a completely dependent little person. 

That can feel overwhelming at times, but nothing compares to their first smile, the way they melt into you when they sleep, or the way they look at you like you’re the best thing in the world. The baby and toddler years are low on capacity but rich in beauty. Physical intimacy naturally becomes harder; there’s less time, less energy, and for many women, less libido. That’s why the other pillars of your relationship – communication, care, and commitment – need to be even stronger.

Prioritising non-sexual intimacy is key. Spontaneous hugs, a back scratch, holding hands, or a simple cup of tea given unprompted - these small gestures mean everything.

Date nights matter, but they don’t have to be expensive or exhausting. Going out is great, but by the time you get home, it’s late, you’re drained, and the baby might wake soon. At-home date nights give you more time together while the baby sleeps, making space for connection earlier in the evening. Nothing feels more romantic than a partner truly in it for the long haul, someone who chooses to walk through every season of life with you, hand in hand.

MAKING IT HAPPEN: THE 'PLANNED PARTY' APPROACH

Spontaneous sex may become rarer, but that doesn’t mean intimacy has to fade. Think of sex like planning a party. You know when it’s happening, you prepare for it, clear your schedule, and bring your best self. It might sound high-admin, but when’s the last time you left a great party and thought, “I wish I hadn’t done that”? Probably never. It’s the same with sex, a little effort makes it far more likely to actually happen, be enjoyable, and leave you thinking, “that was nice. I’m glad we did that.”

Raising a child is exhausting, overwhelming, and completely life-changing, but it also has a way of bringing you and your partner closer in ways you never expected.

Whenever life feels extra challenging for Dave and I, I picture a forest. To me, it is a symbol of a healthy, long-term relationship. Some parts of the forest are bright and open, the sun shining through the trees, and an easy, enjoyable walk together. Other parts are darker, harder to navigate – you might feel lost, have to watch your step, or even stumble a couple of times. But no matter where we are in the forest, we’re together, holding hands. With patience, care, and some effort, the easier, sunnier path will come.

Jo Robertson is therapist, educator and researcher with a focus on sex, relationships and parenting. Jo lives in Auckland with her husband Dave and their three energetic boys. Visit jorobertson.org or follow her on Instagram @sextherapistjo.