Successful parenting tips for the silly season

Let’s face it, the festive season can be as stressful as it is magical. Speech and language therapist, educator, and mum of two, Zazi Henderson shares her strategies for success

Ah, the holiday season – where the fantasy is a peaceful, fun family gathering filled with sweet treats and twinkling lights. The reality is a non-stop marathon of tantrums, sugar crashes and eye-rolls from judgemental aunties. If you’re like me, you’re caught between feeling festive and fantasising about sneaking off to hibernate until January. But if WE'RE this stressed trying to make the magic happen, what are our kids going through?! For little ones, the holidays are a confusing cocktail of excitement, exhaustion and sensory overload. Think Christmas carols blaring, relatives they barely recognise, a large tree where the toys used to be and the threat of a big red man with some reindeer breaking in at some point. Sprinkle in some travel, unfamiliar foods and messy sleep schedules and you’ve got a recipe for a meltdown. So how can we turn the holiday chaos into something a bit more manageable and a little less overwhelming?

Here are some practical tips to help you and your kids keep your cool and actually enjoy the season.

REMEMBER, ALL BEHAVIOUR IS COMMUNICATION

We’ve all been there – stuck in a room full of family, feeling the eyes of the world on us as our little one loses it over something seemingly tiny, like being handed the 'wrong' coloured cup. It’s easy to think, “why is my kid being so difficult?”. But what if we reframed this thinking and saw their behaviour as an expression of what they’re feeling or needing in that moment? For example, when my four-year-old started crying because he got a different Christmas cracker to his sister, I had to remind myself that it truly wasn’t about the cracker. He was tired, overwhelmed, and craving some sort of control in a day full of surprises. Once I realised that, it was easier to respond with empathy (and grab a matching cracker!) instead of getting frustrated. When we see all behaviour as communication, it shifts our mindset from "why are they acting up?" to "what are they trying to tell me?" This simple switch to detective mode can make a world of difference, especially during the chaos of the holidays. They’re not giving us a hard time, they’re HAVING a hard time. As parents, we can have a guess at what they’re trying to say with that behaviour. For example, “it’s too loud”, “it smells funny in here”, “I’m worried she’ll get a better toy than me”, “I feel embarrassed that everyone is watching me”, “this is different to at home”. Then instead of trying to shut-down negative behaviours as ‘naughty’ (there’s no such thing as naughty!) we can respond to what they’re trying to tell us with what little they have in the tank.

BUILD EXCITEMENT...BUT NOT TOO MUCH

I know the temptation. I’ve been there, hyping up Christmas like it’s the event of the century (I’m just as excited about the toy I know they’ll love). But for kids, the buildup and all the unknowns can be SO overwhelming. They know something big is coming, but they don’t have the adult ability to manage the anticipation. Cue the BIG tears and wild behaviours on the day. Consider dialling down the countdown. Instead of a month-long marathon, focus on the fun in the present moment. Keep your conversations about the holidays short, sweet, and grounded in what’s happening now. And if your child struggles with the anticipation of gifts, consider letting them know a few of the items they’ll receive ahead of time or even involving them in the selection. It’s okay to take the surprise out of it if it means reducing anxiety and keeping things calm. 

In the same vein – gift disappointment is a very valid feeling. As adults, we have a batch of fake responses ready to go when someone buys us tea towels but really we fancied some perfume and a spa day. We gasp and say "Thank you" and contort our faces to look thankful because we know that’s the kind and socially appropriate thing to do. Our kids haven’t learned that social dance yet – they wear their hearts on their sleeves and they live in the moment. Their disappointment can come off as spoilt and ungrateful, but what they actually are is brutally honest! They envisaged one thing, they got another and they’re showing their feelings about that. Instead of shutting down their feelings, use it as a chance to coach their response. You can practice together before the gift-giving starts: "If you get a present you don't like, you can still say thank you and then we’ll talk about it later".

Role-play different scenarios, and remind them that it’s okay to feel disappointed but still be kind and polite. That way, they learn how to be honest without causing a family drama – something we’re all trying to master!

HELP THEM TO UNDERSTAND WHAT'S COMING

The holidays are full of newness for kids – new faces, new places, new foods, new toys – and that can be as stressful as it is exciting. As adults, we’ve done it all before and can predict what the day might look like, so it’s easy to forget that our kids might not have any clue about what’s going  to happen ("What do you mean we eat dinner wearing paper hats?!"). Saying “it’s Christmas” might be as confusing as saying “it’s a democratic election” – what does that even mean? To help your child feel more secure, give them a heads-up. I’m not saying you need to create a PowerPoint presentation (although, full disclosure, I may have considered it once), but a bit of preparation goes a long way. You could make a simple visual schedule to show the day's plans, using pictures or drawings of key activities. For example, “first, we have breakfast at home. Then, we drive to Grandma’s and open our presents. Your cousins will all be there. Later, there will be a big lunch.” This helps your child know what to expect and feel more in control. And if “visual schedule” sounds too fancy, don’t worry, it can be as basic as a few stick-figure doodles on a scrap of paper, or a learning story that you just talk them through. The key here is that you tell the story of the day and tell it more than once.

TAKE BREAKS BEFORE YOU REALLY NEED THEM

Let’s face it, even as adults, we sometimes need a little break from the family. (I’ve been known to hide in the pantry with a sneaky chocolate or two). Kids are no different. Create a little calm space where your child can retreat if it all gets too much – a cozy spot with a favourite blanket, some quiet toys, or noise-cancelling headphones. An under-the-table fort is so easy to set up and can have such a positive impact – they're quieter and darker and more enclosed so they can make kids feel safe. Stepping outside for a change of scenery and some fresh air can be the golden strategy when you sense your child is beginning to struggle. Scheduling regular breaks (just like you would in the workplace) prevents burnout, so don’t wait for the meltdown before you take action.

If you’re out at someone else’s place, take a few things from home that you know help your child calm down. It might be a familiar stuffed animal, a favourite book, or even just your phone with a favourite calming song. Let them know it’s perfectly okay to take a breather, just like we do as adults.

LOWER THE BAR - IT'S OKAY TO STRUGGLE

We’re all doing our best, and sometimes our best looks a lot like sitting on the toilet for longer than we need to, taking deep breaths while the kids scream in the living room. The holidays are a big disruption to routine, and it’s okay for both you and your child to struggle with that. Remember that many behaviours we see, especially during times of stress, are a sign that your child is finding it hard to cope. They’re not being selfish or manipulative; they’re just having a difficult time and they’re telling you that with their actions instead of their words. Babies cry to tell us they need us, preschoolers do that and then some. Putting it into words for them can really help. For example, if your child seems unsettled, try narrating what you see; “It looks like all this noise is making you uncomfortable.” “I see you're holding back from opening your present. Sometimes surprises feel a bit too much, don’t they?” This simple acknowledgment helps your child feel seen and understood, and it gives them the language to describe their feelings. Giving choices can really reduce the cognitive load for kids. “Do you want to stay here or go outside?” is much less overwhelming than “what would you like to do?”. Or if you sense they’re past the point of being able to make choices, just gently direct them to the solution; “let’s go outside”.

ADVOCATE FOR YOUR CHILD IN THE MOMENT

Sometimes it’s a juggling act trying to manage your child’s needs while keeping the peace with extended family. It’s hard to be the parent who says, “No, Maia doesn’t need to hug anyone,” especially when Auntie Ana’s standing there with arms wide open. But advocating for your child means respecting their comfort levels, even if that means a few awkward moments with the relatives. My favourite strategy is to speak loudly and directly to my child so that others can hear, e.g. “grandma’s arrived! Would you like to give her a hug, a high five or a wave?” “You’re not feeling it right now – that’s ok, it’s your body. There’s a lot going on.” If they don’t move, I just wave for them to model it. In this way, family members hear the options and will likely sense that you’re setting some boundaries, plus you won’t have to say your little one is ‘shy’ (a label which can really stick with kids). Practising a script of what you’re going to say beforehand can really help. If in doubt, name dropping ‘education’ really works. Like “he’s learning about personal space at preschool so we’re not forcing hugs or kisses. You get it”.

KEEP SOME ROUTINES (AND YOUR SANITY) INTACT

While the holiday season is a whirlwind of new experiences, try to keep some routines in place to provide a sense of security for your child. When children know what to expect, they feel more in control and less overwhelmed, which is a win-win where behaviour is concerned. This might mean sticking to familiar bedtime rituals, even if the timing is a bit off, or keeping to the usual morning routine before a big family event. And when things inevitably go sideways (because they will), remember that it’s okay.

Your child may eat a bizarre combination of chocolate and cheese for lunch, or they might refuse to nap and fall asleep mid-dinner. Try to keep your cool – remember, this is temporary, and the more you can stay calm, the easier it will be for them to find their way back to calm, too.

CONNECTION OVER PERFECTION

Let’s drop the fantasy of a picture-perfect holiday and get real with what’s actually manageable. If that means allowing screen time so your child can have a break, go for it. If it means saying “yes” to extra lollies or having all of the toys out at once because it’s fun, embrace it and move on. Your child will take their cues from you, so if you can smile (even if it’s through gritted teeth when things go sideways), they’ll learn that it’s okay to have imperfect moments and messy feelings. They’ll see that sometimes, things don’t go as planned, and that’s okay too. At the end of the day, whether it’s Christmas morning or any other day, kids still need the basics; comfort, a little bit of predictability, and someone who gets them. So, let’s focus on connecting with them where they’re at – even if it means crawling under the table to escape the holiday madness for a minute. And if you need ME, I’ll be hiding in the car, scrolling Instagram and relishing a few moments of peace. Adults have sensory needs too!

Zazi Henderson is a speech and language therapist, online educator and co-owner (with partner Jon) of online store & education platform: Zazi Hub. Zazi lives in Christchurch with Jon and their two children August, 5, and Etta, 3. See more at zazi.co.nz.